Have I Gone Mad?
by Lana Archer
Summary: "Who are we now?" She asked, "If we're not Bonnie and Damon, and, as it stands, I can no longer be her and I no longer see him, if we're not them, then who are we?" "We're this." Damon said, "And there isn't anything wrong with that." - Damon brings Bonnie home, then bit by bit, they both put each other back together
1. Chapter 1

**I was bored the other day so I was scrolling through Twitter more than usual and I saw this thing that read '**_**Bonnie to come back different'**_** IDK what that even means in TVD-Talk (probably a nervous breakdown or something; not that I'd blame her) but it got ME thinking and then, well, then **_**this**_** happened.**

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

"**Do you think I've gone 'round the bend?" Alice asked.**

"**I'm afraid so," her father replied, "You're mad… **_**Bonkers**_**. Off your head…but I'll tell you a secret – all of the best people are."**

What if humans had switches of their own? You know, the ability to turn it all off or at the very least reach a point of indifference so all-consuming that nothing bothered you. A sweet numbness. Idleness. Insouciance. Reaching a point of pain so exquisite that as a physical reaction your nervous system short-circuits and cuts you off; shuts you down. Let's you breathe and be without second-guessing any of it.

Bonnie Bennett was home. Kind of.

She was in Virginia, somewhere outside of Mystic Falls. Elena's voice was rattling off something nearby but the sound was like static in Bonnie's mind and she wasn't in the mood to adjust the frequency of her thoughts to accommodate whatever it was that the other girl was saying. Caroline was sitting next to her, holding her hand and frowning so severely that for a moment Bonnie thought it might have been Stefan instead. But Stefan wasn't here. She didn't know where he was. Where Damon was. Where Jeremy was. Where Matt was. Or Tyler. Or Alaric. Or her own brain for that matter. She just sat there, breathing slowly and evenly, blinking every so often and wondering why she couldn't get out of her own head. Or when the last time was that she'd even said anything – not that that seemed to bother Elena who had yet to shut up.

"Bon?" Caroline whispered and Bonnie felt herself flinch, a slight movement that seemed to startle Caroline even more than she'd been at the blonde's sudden proximity. Caroline looked at Bonnie as she moved away slowly after whispering to get the witch's attention. Bonnie had been off since she'd gotten back and no one had done anything about it. Unless you considered Elena's incessant whining as doing something. "Are you okay?" Caroline pressed on and watched as Bonnie blinked. Once. Twice. Frowned and pulled her hand out of Caroline's. Without a word she stood to her feet and walked away from her friends. She walked until she found the front door of whoever's house she was in and walked right out of it. She felt Caroline and Elena behind her, reaching for her, calling for her but she pulled away each time with a deepening sneer as each attempt came and went until she was well out of the driveway. Closing her eyes she pictured her father's house. She didn't even register an emotion as the front door of her home came into her mind's eye. In the blink of an eye she vanished, leaving Elena and Caroline gaping at where she'd just been standing.

Bonnie reappeared outside of her house and looked up at the building. It was dark and hollow looking; even from outside, for all she knew it was the same inside; how long had she been gone again? Drawing in a breath she turned away from the door and spun around to sit on the porch. She didn't know how long she sat there, just staring unseeingly off into her front yard when a car pulled up. She heard two doors open and close and feet slowly made their way to her; one pair of feet more cautious than the other. She didn't move when Alaric came to sit next to her. A woman stood in front of her, but Bonnie didn't lift her head to get a look at her face, the only reason she even knew it was Alaric was because he'd said as much when he sat down. Trying to get her talk. But she had nothing more to say. Nothing at all.

"We should get her back to them at least," the other woman said, "She shouldn't be alone."

"She _was_ with them," Alaric countered, "I don't even know how she got here from Stefan's place." The woman shrugged and Bonnie finally moved to look at Alaric. The older man frowned at her blank expression but she held his gaze. Slowly, her face began to unnerve him, her green eyes so cold and flat, like someone had switched the light off somewhere inside of her. "Damon called," Alaric said after swallowing, "Said you'd disappeared." Bonnie blinked. "Do you want to go back to them?" She blinked again. "Bonnie you can't stay here alone." She frowned then and coughed to clear her throat.

"Why not?" She asked, looking away from him and down at her hands, "Thanks to this place all I've ever been is alone. I'd like you to leave now, please." Jo's eyebrows lifted and Alaric shifted uncomfortably where he sat. "I could always make you." Bonnie said a few moments later. She looked up at Jo. "Is that what you want?" Jo pursed her lips and sighed, turning to walk away.

"I'll be in the car," she called over her shoulder. Alaric's eyes watched his girlfriend leave.

"_Leave_." Bonnie said in a clipped tone when he opened his mouth again to speak. Exhaling loudly Alaric stood to his feet but turned to face Bonnie as he stood.

"If you need us we're here." She looked up at him for the longest moment and then she laughed. A soft, broken sound.

"Whatever you say Alaric." She got to her feet then and turned from him and made her way to her door, making a pushing motion with her hand and effectively opening it with her magic. Clicking it shut behind her, she fell back against it and slid to the floor and stayed there.

Bonnie was sure she would have begun to desiccate had she been a vampire. She heard a door open and close, the back door that led in from the garden and two pairs of feet made their way through the kitchen, the short hallway until they reached her where she was sitting in the living room. She was folded up, a pile of limbs, her eyes staring at the coffee table in front of her where photos of her Grams and her dad were scattered on the wooden surface. Caroline and Matt hesitated for a few moments before they fully stepped into the room, giving her a wide berth as they sat opposite her on one of her familiar couches. There was dust everywhere, dust and boxes, and sadness. After a few minutes of them staring at the girl and then shooting desperate looks at one another Caroline decided to bite the bullet and open the dialogue.

"Bonnie?" She said, tentatively, hopefully. Bonnie blinked and took a breath, but did nothing more. "Bonnie, it's me, Caroline and Matt…we're here to see you."

"I see that." She replied after the longest while. "What do you want?" she added after a beat. Caroline frowned.

"_Want_? Bonnie we want to know how you are…how you've been –"

"Why?" She asked, lifting her hard malachite eyes to Caroline's powdery blue ones.

"Bonnie, we're worried about you." Matt interjected, his tone sombre. She didn't even turn to him. She didn't want to get into it with him. Half the time he'd been cannon fodder for the supernaturals they loved just like she was.

"You should be. I died." Bonnie said tersely.

"But you're back now." Caroline reminded her, her tone taking on an ever increasing edge of distress, "You should be happier than this." Bonnie cracked a smile then. An odd one, all lop-sided and dull.

"You should go." Bonnie said once her face fell back to a blankness, "I don't want you here." Both blondes jerked as if they'd been slapped.

"You don't mean that…" Caroline stammered.

"_Don't I_?" Bonnie hissed and when Matt and Caroline blinked again they were outside at the bottom of the porch looking at Bonnie's front door.

When Damon came to see her, she didn't know how many days it had been. He kicked her front door in. Literally. She'd put a half-arsed spell on it to burn a vampire that tried to knock on the door but she should have just put up an impenetrable wall. Damon stormed into the living room, looking set to set her alight by the looks of the fire in his eyes. It almost made her feel something…amusement maybe.

"What the _hell_ Bonnie?" He spat, like he had so many times before now, his eyes wild with his hair mussed. He would never change, she mused. And she'd been changed irrevocably. And somehow, Damon was the one who fared better between the two of them even though she knew and _he_ knew and the whole world knew that he didn't deserve it in comparison to her. "What's with the Bella Swan spin-off?"

"Get out." She muttered, fiddling with the hem of one of the legs of her pyjama pants as she sat on the couch with her knees pulled up and her arms wrapped around them. Damon barked a laugh. In a flash he was in her face. Off-handedly she was glad for his sake that she'd just brushed her teeth.

"No can do _Weeping Beauty_, I don't know if you've noticed but the wards in Mystic Falls are down and we can all go back to living and all that and yet here _you_ are…wasting away leaving me to worry about you like it's my job." Bonnie's eyes looked into his and Damon swore he felt himself grow colder just holding her gaze.

"Let me make it easier for you," Bonnie said, her voice flat, her face blank and her body stiff, "_Fuck_. _**Off**_." She blinked three times after she spoke, slowly, giving Damon time to absorb what had just transpired. He blinked back at her, like he was only just seeing her in that moment. Like he hadn't been the one to bring her back. Like he hadn't been the first one to notice that something was horribly wrong with her. Like he hadn't been the first one to brush it off because as long as she was back he'd done what he had to do so he could move on.

"What's going on with you?" He muttered after a while. She looked away from him then, pushing herself further into the back of the couch she was in, putting as much space between them as possible.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

"_Damon_." She said his name like the cocking of a gun, "We're not doing this. We're not playing the Damon-Do-Gooder Game okay? You brought me back, let's leave it at that. You get _millions_ of points with Elena, all is well in your world, so leave it be."

"That's not why I got you back, _idiot_," Damon snapped, leaning back into her space, his arms on either side of her slight frame as she dipped her head to avoid his eyes, "I got you back because you're my _friend_. Possibly my first _real_ friend. I've had like…two before but none like you. None that put me first even when I put them last. I didn't deserve that and you deserve so much better than that shit storm with Kai so I got you and I brought you home because you deserve to be fought for and brought home. People are so quick to forgive me when it looks like I'm trying and in the same breath they take people like you, who are _always_ doing good things, for granted and it…it kind of nauseates me. Which is _really_ saying something." Bonnie blinked at him. But the blinks were different. They were quicker, nervous. "So tell me," he went on, "What the hell happened to make you end up like this?" Bonnie swallowed and gripped her hands on her knees as she tried to make sense of her thoughts.

"It all caught up with me," Bonnie said, low and uncertain, "I guess I didn't give much thought to what would happen after dying as much as I have. But I think…I think something broke inside of me…and I don't, I mean, I'm _here_ but I'm not…I don't feel right and I can't find it in myself to even want to…I don't want to do anything but sit here and breathe, it's all I can do to avoid _dying again_ and -" tears fell then, "And I know it's only a matter of _time_," a twist of sadness distorted her words and Damon's own breathing hitched at the sight of her, "But I don't **want** to die again Damon, I can't and I know it's going to happen and I –" before she could collapse into a heap of sobs she found herself in the circle of his arms. He held her and she cried. He rubbed her back to stop her from her shaking and she cried. He moved them both so that he sat on the couch and pulled her to him and she cried. Her pain was different somehow, to Elena's for example. Bonnie was so shy and sincere in her sorrow that it threatened to pull him down with her where Elena's pain seemed to be perpetuated by the girl herself as she wondered why, why, why, why the world could be so cruel to her. Not realising that Bonnie, Bonnie Bennett, her best friend, had long fallen apart.

"I've got you." Damon murmured, bringing the girl even closer. On the Other_, Other Side_ he'd gotten used to her, and her form – but she was bonier, her curves sharper from weight loss. Even her face was losing its soft lines in favour of edgier planes and angles in its heart shape. The only thing that was the same really was her mouth. Her mouth and her broken heart. Bonnie's little hands balled into the material of his jacket, hanging onto him for dear life while she wept. And Damon let her. He let her cry because he'd decided that the minute the tears ended, the minute she drew that ragged breath and steadied herself he was going to help her.

"I think I've lost my mind." She whispered about an hour later. A ghost of a smile moved over Damon's mouth as he ran a hand through her hair as he held her.

"Take it from someone who lost it a _long_ time ago," Damon said softly, "It's not nearly as bad as it seems."


	2. Chapter 2

**This is from Damon's POV. It runs parallel to the previous chapter; everything that happened while Bonnie disappeared in on herself. Oh, Damon had an invite to Bonnie's house all along in this, I noticed a little snag in the plot with that, anyways. **_**Enjoy**_**...**

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

"**You're not the same as you were before. You were much more, 'muchier'. You've lost your muchness." – The Mad Hatter**

Damon was beside himself. Stefan, _bless him_, was as useless as ever as everyone argued about getting rid of the Traveller's Spell on Mystic Falls. Alaric was on his high-horse, as he had been since Damon had compelled him, and was in a full blown tirade as he refused to get Jo involved in the removing of the veil. Damon sneered, what an _asshole_.

"What an _asshole_." Damon hissed aloud, shutting everyone up. Him, his brother, his ex-bestie Alaric, Jeremy (ugh), Matt (for whatever reason) and Tyler (again, _why_) were all arguing outside of Stefan's house about who was going to get the spell down. Alaric looked to Damon and glared.

"_Excuse_ me?" The man snapped and Damon wanted to laugh. It was hilarious how everyone seemed to forget just _who_ they were dealing with sometimes. But Damon reigned in the want to snap a neck and exhaled with a tight smile on his face instead.

"_You_," Damon said taking a step forward, "_you're_ an asshole." When Alaric's brows rose Damon went on, "You've known Jo, what? _Three seconds_ and already you're arms up: ready to fight for her when you won't even do the same thing for Bonnie?" Damon sneered at Tyler before continuing, "Same goes for you half-mutt, Bonnie killed herself for you lot and you won't even look passed the latest vagina to help her out? You're willing to get her bent out of shape again to cast a spell but you won't let Jo and Liv so much as lift a finger?" Damon's hands had begun to shake so he balled them into fists, "Ungrateful _fuckers_." They all stood silent and he growled, pushing his way past them all to get back inside where Bonnie was. She was exactly where he'd left her; with Caroline clutching her hand and Elena harping on about some asinine bullshit that no one had time for anymore. He didn't look at Bonnie, he didn't want to see the lack of life in her eyes, he didn't have time to waver. Things needed to be done and fast before her head was on the chopping block again.

"Caroline," Damon hissed, snapping his fingers in the blonde's face, "Look after her okay? I've got shit to do and I don't need to add _worry about Bonnie Bennett_ to that list right now. Got it?" She looked at him with a mixture of annoyance and surprise.

"_Fine_, sheesh." She whispered back, "Where are you –" he sped from the room before she could finish her sentence and Caroline looked to Elena who'd watched him leave, confusion clear on her face. Caroline barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes when Elena sighed. Gripping Bonnie's limp hand Caroline readied herself for at least an hour of Elena's Damon-Drabble.

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><p>Damon had shit to do and not a lot of time to do it in. But first, he had an insect problem to sort out. Sniffing Kai out was almost too easy and that's what had Damon on edge. Traipsing around the woods with a stick is how Damon found the psycho. Damon had had about enough of everything going wrong and he was going mad trying to fix everything.<p>

"_Pest_." Damon said by way of greeting and Kai smirked as he lifted his gaze.

"Are you announcing yourself or calling me names?" The boy asked and Damon barely resisted the urge to kill him then and there. He had to be smarter about it, Kai was annoyingly resourceful. Damon tilted his head and began circling the murderous warlock.

"What are you doing?" Damon asked. Kai's brows lifted and he grinned.

"Connecting with nature." Damon sucked air through his teeth.

"Doubtful. You're up to something." Kai leaned back a little, leaning some of his weight on the stick as he winked at Damon.

"Right you are blood-breath," Kai quipped, "_Tell me_, has Bonnie turned to a vegetable yet? She did look rather pale when you finally pulled your head out of your arsehole and got her home." Damon's temper flared but he shoved the rage down. "I miss her a little, but I think that being stuck with the two of us did quite the number on her. And then leaving her alone? I couldn't have planned it better myself."

"Don't do that," Damon snapped, "Don't put us in the same category, you and I are nothing alike." Kai chuckled.

"Right _again_ Damon," Kai commended, "See, you have this pathetic want for acceptance and forgiveness, it holds you back. Me? I couldn't give a shit about love or family, or friends, that's why as fond as I was of our dear Bonnie, I would have killed her at the drop of a hat and we both know that at one point it was very much the same for you." Damon's nostrils flared. He didn't need this from Kai he had enough on his plate; the whole _Bonnie-debacle_ had everyone up in arms while they employed a simultaneous uselessness when it came to find a solution: the 'why do you care so much' or 'she's our friend too' spiel was getting _old_, **fast**. "It amazes me still that she sent you back without out her, you didn't and _don't_ deserve it, but you were so easy to accept it, running after that waif-like _thing_ you spent so long babbling about in Purgatory."

"I'm going to enjoy killing you." Damon promised. Kai smiled.

"I'd be careful there Salvatore," Kai said, "I just sucked up a good couple of litres of energy from that nifty Traveller's spell that was hanging over your home town. I'm all revved up and ready to go." That brought Damon up short.

"You did _what_?" Kai tisked at his confusion.

"I sucked up the magic. Like a ju-ju vampire." Kai's smile was lethal. Damon was officially up Shit's Creek without a paddle. No matter, he could do this. He _would_ do this, and then he'd go back to the boarding house and guzzle scotch like he did at the end of every successful venture. The fact that he did that after unsuccessful ventures was something he chose to ignore in that moment. With one guttural growl he felt his canine's lengthen as he charged Kai. He was going to kill the bastard and he was going to do it for Bonnie.

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><p>With Damon gone AWOL and Bonnie disappearing into thin air Stefan was quickly reaching his wit's end. He was tired of the arguing, the ulterior motives and the feeble excuses. He was losing his patience. Raking his fingers through his hair he listened as Jeremy yelled out the same question for the third time.<p>

"What do you mean she disappeared?" He cried out at his sister who looked like she was close to throttling him.

"We blinked and she was gone." Caroline said, stepping forward, "She just vanished Jer; we don't know where she went." Elena waved them both off.

"Does anyone know where Damon is? That Kai guy is on the loose and –"

"Oh my _god_ Elena," Caroline cut her off with a near-hysterical shriek, "If you say the word Damon one more time I'm throwing you out of a window. Bonnie just got home, she obviously isn't doing well and _all_ you care about, all you've ever seemed to care about since they died was Damon and I am _this_ close," Caroline crowded Elena's space, holding up two fingers with about a centimetre between them, "_**This**_ close to hurting you."

"Okay enough." Stefan said, stepping between the girls, waving Jeremy away. "This isn't helping anything." Just then, Damon came stumbling into the living room, bloodied and looking like he was only _just_ hanging onto his bones as he trudged inside. Elena flashed to his side and the tears were instant. Caroline looked to Stefan, her face a picture of fury.

"Where's Bonnie," Damon gasped as he slumped over where the witch had been when he was last here. When no one replied he pushed Elena away a little and heaved himself up a little more to look at them through his eye, the other sealed shut and congealed with blood, "_Where is she_?"

"She's gone." Caroline said after the longest moment and even though Damon's face was battered and bloody, his features barely discernable, everyone in the room watched as rage rearranged his expression and he yelled out angrily.

"Are you fucking _kidding me_ right now Caroline?!"

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><p>"You'll look <em>everywhere<em> until you find her," Damon yelled into the phone, "I don't give a shit Alaric, it's the least you can do for me. You wanna be mad that I manipulated you? Fine. But take it out on me, not Bonnie and _next time_, quit being a little bitch when I do what needs to be done because it's the right thing to do." He ended the call and drained another blood bag.

"So the wards are down?" Caroline spoke up first and Damon nodded, wincing as the motion sent sharp lines of pain through his neck and shoulders. Kai had put up a good fight. "So we can all go home? Bonnie can go home?"

"No one's going home until we find her." Damon snapped, groaning as he lifted himself up and hobbled a little but held steady. "Ready? Break." With that he made his way slowly and painfully out of Stefan's house and out into the early evening.

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><p>Bonnie had put some kind of ward around the house. Damon damn near burned his hands to a crisp trying to push it open. Growling he listened for her heartbeat, figured that would suffice for now and called it a night. He tried to get settled back into his house but with all the strays the boarding house had collected, he couldn't get a moment's peace never mind an ounce of relief. Kai was dead, Bonnie was home but everything was wrong. So, he took it upon himself to pester everyone to visit her. Caroline and Matt spearheaded the operation but were brutally rebuffed according to Caroline's tear-stained recounting of what happened. It only made Damon worry more. Next up was Elena but the girl didn't even get a response as she stood outside the house, her nerves getting the better of her.<p>

"What was I supposed to say to her?" Elena had moaned, "You didn't see how empty her eyes were Damon, I couldn't –" Damon had closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose and sent Stefan in her stead. No difference. Matt? Nothing. Caroline? Nothing. Eventually the cauldron of emotion swirled into a loud anger that had Bonnie's name all over it. Everything Damon felt about their return, about Kai, about Elena and Alaric and their collective bullshit and Jeremy's incessant whining – it snapped something inside of him. So he kicked Bonnie's door down, prepared to rip her a new one. She didn't get to hide out in her house and pretend she was still dead, no sirree, not on his watch. But when his eyes locked with hers he saw nothing in them. Not an ounce of the girl he'd fought so hard for, not a shred of familiarity – _nothing_. And it horrified him. She told him to get out, commanded it in fact, let him off the hook, telling him to leave her behind again essentially and it made him **angry**. Angry and sad because that's what she was used to and despite his efforts that's exactly what he'd subjected her to until he finally succeeded in getting her back.

But he wasn't leaving this time. He wasn't going to leave her behind again. He wasn't going to stand by and let her wither away either and he'd be damned if anyone tried to take her away again, tried hurting her. They'd be dead in a matter of moments. He held her as she cried and he felt a startling parallel form in his mind of himself – how unstable he'd felt when he'd learned the darker side of the supernatural world. Something he was sure would consume Bonnie if he didn't hold onto her, so he was going to hold onto her. He could never get her back to who she was, nothing and no one ever could but he'd make sure that she got as far away from the ledge as possible and got her will to live back.

If it was the last thing he did.

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><p><strong>Stay excellent.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes: **This is unedited so bear with me. Enjoy XO

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

"**You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain."**

A fear of death is _absurd_. Death is guaranteed. Death is the price we pay to live.

But to Bonnie Bennett, the idea of dying again had her hiding inside of herself. Inside of this half-life that she'd resorted to having. Anything more would be too much; anything more could most certainly mean her death. Damon wanted her to understand that nothing bad was going to happen to her. He wanted her to understand that he'd never let that happen, that he'd make sure that she kept breathing, that her heart kept fluttering. But he also knew that despite his best efforts that she would die anyway. Of old age mind you, but death would come for her. As it always had and he wasn't sure how, but it terrified him more than Bonnie. See, Bonnie was afraid of sacrificing herself again; she was scared of what she would do for the people she loved. Damon was scared because he knew no matter what he did that she would die. She was scared of the pain, of the memories attached to her sacrifices. He was scared of the truth; that she was human, fragile, breakable, that her life was fleeting in every sense of the word. And to make matters worse the little she'd had, the 'life' she'd been given had been riddled with the likes of him and the horrors of the Supernatural World. Guilt and something akin to the elements of self-loathing weighed heavily on his undead heart.

The world had broken Bonnie Bennett; shattered her to small pieces and now no one was there to put her back together. No one but him and that made it worse somehow because he was one of the first people to try and tear her apart. Elena always thought that her fate had been sealed being a doppelgänger but Bonnie's was worse. Her mother had abandoned her to protect Elena. Her grandmother had died helping Damon. Her father had been killed by Silas. Lucy could never stay in one place for too long because she would never live longer than a day that way being who she was – a Bennett. Bonnie's friends had turned to strangers, her boyfriend to a nuisance and the only person who could get within a few feet of her had tried to kill her out of spite when she was possessed by her ancestor. What a miserable life to have, Damon mused, only made more tragic by the fact that she was hardly ever allowed to live it. Too often was she pulled up and out of it, robbed of all she had left, scraps really. Because she kept trying to do the right thing and what did it get her? Dead. It got her _dead_.

Damon looked down at her as she lay curled up on the couch beside him, her head cradled on her hands as they lay folded on his lap. Her short hair hung over her face, hiding the way her features became so peaceful in her slumber. She never looked at peace when she was awake. She looked distressed, vacant, sometimes even a little deranged. Oh so carefully Damon moved her hair out of her face so that he could see her, and in response Bonnie's forehead wrinkled for a few moments before she sighed softly and wriggled closer to him. He hadn't left her house since he kicked the door down. This explained why he was wearing his unwashed jeans and one of her father's button downs. And he hadn't worn underwear since the sixties really so…

"No," Bonnie muttered. Damon leaned back against the couch, his fingers running through her hair distractedly as he mulled over the odds of getting Bonnie out of the house sometime this month. "Damon, no." She muttered again and only then did he look back down at her. He was used to her mumbling in her sleep, had been for a while, but she'd never said his name before. Not even on the other side. She whimpered and he frowned, angling her face, ignoring how it rolled over loosely in his hands, too much like she was unconscious and not in fact just sleeping. "Damon, run, you have to run." He moved her then, with the ease and finesse of a vampire to bring her into a cradled position where he shook her gently, trying to coax her out of her bad dream. "Run." She breathed and then jerked. "No, no, no, no." Before he could say or do anything she gasped and her eyes shot open, rolling around the room before they landed on him. She was still breathing sharply and loudly when she realised she was in his lap, when she realised how he was holding her, when she realised that the expression on his face held more affection than she ever thought possible in her direction. "Why didn't you run?" She whispered and he frowned. Blinking a few times she cleared her throat and dipped her head, her shoulders hunched up as she withered under his piercing gaze. She tried to get off of him but he didn't budge which meant neither could she. "You didn't want to leave me there did you?" she wondered. Damon scowled.

"I know I'm not exactly a member of the Justice League but…it wouldn't be right for someone like me to leave someone like you behind." Bonnie shook her head.

"You're wrong," Bonnie said, giving up on trying to get away from him and actually moving a little higher up to rest her head on his shoulder, "It would be exactly right. If we played our roles like we should then it would be exactly right for you to leave me behind."

"I don't want to be the person who leaves you behind." Damon said, "Not anymore, it's not me."

"Then I suppose I should stop being the person who gets left behind, right? I should stop being scared of dying, I should be thankful that I'm alive, I should go outside and start over, move somewhere nicer, somewhere sunnier, cleaner, unfamiliar in every way." Damon felt like her words were a fist wriggling around in his insides, rearranging them awkwardly and suddenly he felt sick, sick to his stomach. The idea of her being alone, though in some cases could be for the best, when it came to him he couldn't think of anything worse.

"Where would you go?" He wondered even though what he really wanted to say was something more along the lines of '_don't_ go'. She shrugged.

"Does it matter?" Bonnie countered. "I've never been anywhere else." Damon closed his arms around her, wondering if she'd ever be near him again after this. "I should leave." Her head was tucked safely under his jaw, snuggled to the crook of his neck and shoulder. "I know I should, you know I should…but I can't. I wouldn't make it a day."

"So you're just going to waste away here then? On the couch?"

"Is that so bad?"

"It's worse."

"I'm so scared of dying and it's now become me being scared of living because living and dying when you're me is the same thing. For the longest time all my life has been about was my death. How twisted is that?"

"Pretty tragic." She hummed in agreement.

"And here I am," she went, "Clinging to you like you're all I have left even when you have at least a thousand other things you could be doing with your time, a thousand things you'd much rather be doing with your time."

"You're right," Damon said, thoughtfully, not surprised when she didn't even tense up. Bonnie was too used to disappointments now, "There are a thousand other things I could be doing, a thousand other things I'd rather be doing…but guess what? I'd rather be doing them with you."

"Why?"

"I just so happen to care about you."

"You also 'just so happen' to feel guilty about everything that happened." Bonnie countered.

"Of course I do," he agreed, "But it's more than that and what that more is, is irrelevant because I know you need someone right now and I'm happy to be that person."

"How does Elena feel about that?" Bonnie wondered.

"The way she feels about most things," Damon said conversationally, "Like it's all about her."

"This is weird." Bonnie mused.

"What is?"

"Talking to you like this," she explained, "Like you know me and understand me." Her tone wasn't biting or baiting, it was more amused, which in itself was shocking.

"I do know and understand you." Damon said, "You're the girl who lived, despite all the odds racked up against you. That Harry Potter kid doesn't have _shit_ on you."

"What am I like then?" Bonnie asked, "I haven't felt real to myself, not even when I saw you when you got me home. When I was looking at you my first thought was that I'd finally lost my mind. That madness was the only way I could find the good things I wanted. It never occurred to me that you were real, that you were _there_, that I was going home. And now I'm here and I feel even more lost, because nothing feels right. This house is so empty, like me. It's just…not enough and everything else is too much and it hurts and I'm _tired_ and –"

"Ssh," Damon said, rocking her a little, side to the side, just enough to sway her thoughts, soothe her breathing, calm her down. This always happened, when she thought too much, tried to be normal for too long… the words would slip and tumble and she'd stop making sense to herself. "Don't do that to yourself."

"I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to dream about dying for everyone else, I don't want to dream of everyone else dying when I finally decide to live for myself. I don't want this anymore and there's nothing else for me!" She wailed into his chest, her body shaking, the heat from her skin rolling through shocks of coldness that would find her; sending goose bumps across the surface of her body. He had to calm her down before she worked herself up too much again, before she had to spend the next half an hour huddled over a toilet.

"Then just sit here with me."

"You should run Damon," Bonnie said as her teeth chattered and her tears fell, "You should leave and never come back. It would be better for you."

"I don't care about me, I care about you." He insisted softly as he rubbed her back.

"What about Elena?" She pressed even as her little fingers dug into his shoulders harshly as the tremors shook her, he knew she was grasping and though he commended her for it, there wasn't anything she could say to get him to leave.

"The me that cares about Elena enough to set the rest of the world on fire to prove it died the same night _we_ did. Since then I've been wondering about who I am when I'm not trying to save and or love a doppelgänger…and it's this person here, worried about you." Bonnie shuddered and he could hear her gnashing her teeth together to keep from her grunts of pain to sound out. "And I am worried about you, so I don't care about what you have to say…I'm not leaving you. Whether I should or shouldn't, I won't." Bonnie's body jerked again and he lifted her up as he stood to his feet and flashed upstairs. He knew his own body temperature wasn't helping how cold she was so he put her in her bed and layered bedding over her. She shook as she lay there looking up at him, trying to control her body's hysteria as her mind slowly unravelled in front of both of them.

"Am I dying?" She wondered. "I'm dying aren't I? That's why you're being so good to me." Damon stood still for a few moments, just looking at her as he stood beside her bed.

"I won't let anything happen to you, I've told you this." Bonnie sucked in a breath and nodded. She couldn't think straight long enough to really argue, her panic attacks were getting worse. "Now do you want me to stay or go downstairs?"

"St-_stay_." Bonnie hissed. Damon nodded, managing to look smug and concerned all at once. He pushed her over a little and settled down next to her. He looked over at her, watching as she fought to keep her eyes open. He sighed and pulled her closer and lay there, counting the times her heart beat until it fell into its sleeping rhythm. He knew that the rest of the 'gang' had questions, that everyone wanted to know why there was an impenetrable ward around Bonnie's house that wouldn't let anyone anywhere near the porch, why he hadn't answered his phone, why he'd gone as far as he had, done the things that he had to make sure Bonnie was safe. And not only did it piss him off purely on principle, it also irked him because he didn't have those answers and beyond that he felt like he didn't need to have answers. Being there for Bonnie felt like the right thing to do, and he wasn't about to apologise for that.

He just wished it didn't hurt so much; to look at her like this. To feel as helpless as he did even though she thought every time he stayed was him moving mountains for her. Every little thing he did seemed that way to her when really, it's what anyone who cared would be doing. Just _being_ there. All she ever did was the right thing and all he ever did was never apologise for keeping his interests five steps ahead of anyone else's well-being. And now look at them; Bonnie quickly reaching breaking point and him being truly selfless for the first time in his life. He was never selfless with Elena, or his brother or Katherine. He was never selfless with his father. He'd crafted himself into a bitter ball of frustrated energy that ripped through anything that stood in his way. And now, there he lay, worrying about how he was going to save Bonnie. He decided then that no excuse need be made when the time comes for everyone else's questions. He didn't need to explain himself, everyone else needed to take time out to figure _their_ excuses; their reasons for being as shitty as they were. How was it that he was the only one who pushed hard enough to get through to Bonnie? That Caroline got turned away every time and Elena hardly even tried because if she paid attention to someone that wasn't her or Damon himself for too long she might actually resemble her old self again. God forbid _that_.

Bonnie's temperature finally balanced out and Damon moved away a little, smirking when she moaned lowly in response and wiggled back into his space and rested against his chest.

"I don't know how to fix this," Damon whispered to her as she slept, "And I'm scared that I'm going to make everything worse. And that would kill me; if I broke you irrevocably, but I'm not good at much else and you _know_ that." He pulled an arm around her and began gently patting a rhythm on her back, something he was doing more to soothe and distract himself but seemed not to disturb her anyway, "I don't know how you can still trust me after I've disappointed you in every way possible but you do and I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of responsibility…you're an idiot you know," he said frowning deeply, "For relying on me. You should never have done that, because I don't know if you know this but it's all I ever wanted from my miserable existence and now here you are, barely recognisable, leaving whatever's left of you in my hands like it's the most rational thing for you to do. I've wanted nothing more to prove myself capable but I _know_ I'm no good at that and now here you are, letting me _in_ and –"

"Damon." she muttered and for a moment he thought she'd woken up and his chest tightened in response. He looked down at her but she was still out cold. "You stayed." And her voice broke at the end at that was what did it. Sealed her fate in his heart. Without batting her eyelashes at him, guilting him into wanting to be better, bemoaning his existence – no, Bonnie simply used two words, that gave him more hope than anything before. He had stayed and it meant the world to her. "Thank you." She mumbled and nuzzled her nose into his shirt, like she was drilling a hole into his chest to reach his heart. In that moment he realised that he wished she would; just yank his heart out and take it for herself, because he was used to that, accustomed to it. But this vulnerable faith in him? It would surely be his undoing.

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><p><strong>AN: **This subject matter is very dear to my heart and for the record Bonnie has PTSD and she's developed a whole bunch of quirks and kinks in her psyche since her return because it's a natural human response and despite how the TVD writers treat her – she'll always be a worth more than that to me so I'm treating this fic as rationally as possible. Let me know what you guys think.

**Stay excellent**


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: **Unedited. Forgive meeeee.

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

"**I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."**

_The world was ablaze at the hands of one little witch. Her green eyes shone with vengeance and her heart had long turned to brimstone. She had had little choice in the matter, when it came to turning into this …thing that she'd become. They'd taken it all from her. They'd taken her mother, they'd taken her grandmother, her father and then her soul…then, when the devil himself tried to put her back together they took him too and they would pay. She would strike the match and they would pay. She wouldn't stay to watch it all fade to ashes; her shattered heart longed too much to end its own suffering. She missed him; the one who broke her, the one who'd died with her, the one who'd put her back together…the one who'd died for her – _

"Damon?" Bonnie's soft voice was panicked, thin and horrified and by now Damon knew the drill. Hold her until she screams and wakes.

_How could he have died? He was meant to be immortal. Invincible, incredible. He was meant to __**stay**__. _

"Damon, please." She begged and he watched as tears trickled down her cheeks and the sides of her face. "No, no, no, no." The whimpering began to build, the frowning, shallow breathing, jerking frame…the scream was moments away.

_His body was limp. Cold. Veined. Destroyed. His hair still shone deceptively; it's beauty unmarred in the most recent events. Not even the smatters of matted blood in his hair could stop her from running her fingers through it. Not even the ghastly ice colour of his eyes that had overrun the texture of his lips could stop her from kissing them. He was so impossibly cold and so impossibly still. She wanted him to twitch, wanted him to groan in his sleep, mutter something, a joke at her expense, a snide comment, a curse word, a curse in itself – anything. She wanted once more to hear his voice, just once, saying her name as the sound moved through waves of relief and torture – like her very presence confounded him. She wanted him back, she needed him back. A world without him – _

Screams.

A shuddering gasp sounded throughout Bonnie's bedroom as she started awake. She looked around frantically, the way she always did before her eyes settled on him and her frenetic heartbeat began to slow, slur and smooth out. She was still in his arms. He was still here. She was still alive. They were both still okay. Relief gripped her throat as she collapsed back onto his chest as she gripped onto the loose fabric of his shirt pooled on his torso for extra comfort. He waited until her breathing evened out before he spoke.

"Want to tell me what that was about?" He whispered, like he might not want to hear the answer after all, for fear of what it would bring about in her. She sighed, smoothed her hand over the wrinkled cotton material, snagging gently against the buttons of the shirt before resting her palm over his heart and tapping. One, two. One, two. A phantom heartbeat just for him. One, two. One, two.

"You died." She whispered her voice hoarse. "You died and I set everything on fire."

"_Everything_?"

"Everything, Damon. The world in fact."

"I'm flattered."

"…You would be," Bonnie mused softly as she turned to look at him and she frowned immediately. "Damon," she gasped her eyes running over his paled face, "Why do you, when _last_ did you –"

"Don't finish that sentence," Damon interrupted, "If I think about it for too long I might do something dangerous." Bonnie didn't even blink, didn't even consider herself in danger, didn't even wonder if she might be, "I'll be fine."

"_No_," she shook her head, adjusting her position to look him in the eye better, "You need blood Damon." He pressed his eyes shut when the word left her mouth. "You…" her voice faded as she cupped the side of his face, "Why don't you feed anymore? When did you stop?" When Damon opened his eyes to her face all he saw was guilt, and it was so typically her to feel guilty about the situation when it was his choice not to leave her side in the first place.

"I haven't fed since I came here kicking your door in," Damon said evenly, "It was _my_ _choice_ not to leave you Bonnie, don't look at me like that." She pressed her mouth together and tears welled in her eyes but didn't fall. "…Bonnie," Damon went on, his voice softer, gentler, "Come on, talk to me." Her eyes were downcast.

"Why are you doing this to me?" She muttered sadly, her head falling back onto his chest as they lay in her bed. "Why are you hurting yourself like this…for me?"

"You're worth it." He sighed, his head falling back as his mouth dried out from her close proximity. The restraint he was employing in that moment, in most moments he could recall of late, was monumental. He didn't know how he hadn't snapped and killed someone yet. Her blood called to him every second of every day but the only thing that was louder, the only thing that kept him next to her even when she slept instead of going out to hunt was the look in her eyes when she woke up and the first thing she found was _him_. It was everything they both needed. That reassurance, that reliability, that trust – it was crucial to both of them now and enough so to have Damon disregard his bloodlust. He didn't even allow himself to consider drinking from her, to him that would have been the utmost betrayal; she didn't need someone, _especially_ not him, taking any more from her.

"I have an idea," she said after the longest while and slowly eased herself up and out of his hold, it was somewhere after four in the afternoon and she'd even worn jeans today after she showered, usually she got straight into pyjamas but she was making progress. "Wait here." Damon nodded even as his eyes stayed closed. It would take him three seconds to get to anywhere in the house, giving her very little leeway for anything dangerous to happen. Damon listened as she walked out of the room, down the hall to the stairs, down them and into…the kitchen. Her small feet stopped and turned as she approached the drawers of cutlery and other cooking utensils. He listened as she pulled one open, the top one maybe and pulled something out. The sharp sound of the silver grating past the other knives had him next to her in a flash. Yanking the chef's knife out of her grip he shook his head. "Don't be presumptuous Damon; it's really not what it looks like."

"So you're not about to pour some of your blood into a tumbler glass for me?" He bit out through clenched teeth and her body stilled before sagging in defeat.

"So? What's the big deal, I'm trying to help." He put the knife away and turned the little witch to face him. "Why can't I help you for a change?"

"Bonnie, I'm not sure if you've forgotten but witches' blood is practically cosmic to my kind. If you feed me I might go into a tailspin and drain this town dry."

"Why not me?" He blanched. "If it's my blood that makes you crazy, surely it's simply instinctual to drain the source?" Her gaze was steady and serious on his face. "…So why not me."

"Because I would **never** hurt you, not anymore."

"…Damon you stopped hurting me a _long_ time ago –"

"Doesn't matter. I'm going to be better, whether you want me to or not."

"I want you to be _you_, to be happy, to be healthy – _that's all_." He nodded.

"This _is_ me." He countered. "I know I look like shit and I know hardly any part of our lives makes sense anymore because of everything that's happened but I need this as much as you do Bon. I _need_ you to need me; it's _good_ for me. And you need me and to know that you can rely on someone _besides_ yourself…which makes me good for _you_. Something I never thought to be possible, in any sense of the word, but it is." He took in a breath, "I don't want you to give me your blood, I don't want it. I just want _you_ to be _okay_." In the next moment Bonnie was hugging him fiercely and it made him think fleetingly of the island where they'd first hugged…something she'd never remember. When she pulled away she looked pensive. The look she used to get when she was plotting for the upper hand in whatever shit storm had come to stake it's claim in Mystic Falls. It made Damon both nervous and hopeful; every time he caught a glimmer of the witch he knew his hope was renewed, much like she did for him on the other side, before they were pulled apart…before her world fell apart _again_.

"I have an idea." She said, locking eyes with him, "No knives involved."

_An hour later_

"It tastes like chocolate." Damon mused as he glugged back another glass-full of the blood Bonnie had conjured up. She'd been experimenting with flavours and textures; trying to figure out what he liked and what he didn't. His skin was flushed and his hair was pushed up and out of his face, his eyes like bolts of lightning. Bonnie smiled as she flopped back down in front of him, the empty tumbler glasses in front of them each with rings of blood from when they'd been full. She looked over at him and felt relief. He looked much better; in fact, he looked like he was getting a little drowsy.

"How do you feel?" She asked with amusement dusting her words. He looked over at her with a silly smile and nodded a little loosely and she watched his head bob and his eyes bounce with animation.

"Like I could take over the world. Seriously. This is better than bourbon." He dangled the now empty tumbler in his hands, "The chocolate one was the best." Bonnie nodded as she crossed her legs, making a mental note to make more of it at some point for him. "Thank you." He said, his eyes bulging a little, an echo of what she remembered as his infamous 'crazy eyes'.

"You're welcome." She said and then looked down at her hands. "How's everyone else?" Damon shrugged indifferently when she looked up.

"Bored I think," he admitted, "Since Kai's dead, the Parkers left and the wards are down Mystic Falls is the lamest it's been since before Stefan and I arrived." Bonnie nodded distractedly, "Everyone's also _super_ inquisitive about what's going on here." He waved a hand up and in a circle, gesturing to the house, "And _here_." He motioned between the two of them.

"I don't have answers…" Bonnie said softly, looking more and more uncomfortable and Damon jerked his head to signal her to come over.

"You don't need answers," Damon countered once she was cuddled into his side on the floor at the foot of one of her couches, "You just need to be okay."

"But I'm _not_." She sighed shakily.

"Which is why it should be the only thing we're concerned about right now." Damon said pointedly and she wanted to nod, or shake her head, push him away or pull him closer. She wanted to thank him and scream at him to leave and never come back. She wanted to go back to hating him or to articulate why she loved him. She had too many questions of her own to face right now and Damon always gave her answers, only asking for things that needed to be said – everyone else would just bring forth question after question. Maybe they didn't need to explain any of it? Maybe it was enough that he cared. That she needed him and he was there. Maybe it was enough that they found comfort and peace with each other. That this reminded them both of the other side where they both found and lost each other. Where they grew. Where they established and forged an irrevocable bond. It certainly felt enough as they sat there, warmth between them as Damon fiddled with the tips of her hair and she stared down at the way her dad's jeans wrinkled at every available opportunity because they were so ridiculously big on him. She felt loved here, in this moment. Without looking at the statistics, or the facts, or any words, or actions that had transpired between them before now.

Bonnie had felt her sanity slipping from her the day she returned to life for the first time. She'd just never guessed that the only person who could guarantee a chance at normality would be the same person who had shattered the illusion thereof. He was her Mad Hatter and she'd slipped down the rabbit hole. And then he'd caught onto her arm and tugged her back up into the daylight. So she'd hold onto him and be grateful.

"Thank you Damon." She whispered, smiling softly as she felt him press a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm sorry for the nightmares I'm about to have."

"I'll be right here, waiting for when you open your eyes." He promised.

"Maybe we can go out into the garden tomorrow? …If you want." He couldn't help the happiness that swept through him at her suggestion.

"The rose bushes have been looking rather neglected." He mused and patted an aimless rhythm against her back until she fell asleep, keeping on until his own eyes slipped closed to a short sleep.

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><p><strong>Thoughts?<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Note: **I love that you guys love this. (Unedited)

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

"**Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle."**

_Imagine dreaming about your death every night. _

_Now, imagine that you've died more than once, barely surviving each 'resurrection'_

_Now, imagine the last person you thought would care for you is the __**only**__ one who does._

_Imagine your short life inundated with misery. _

_Now imagine that misery taken away by the choices you made to save the ones you loved, dying for the ones you loved, not allowing yourself to even __**be**__ miserable. All you're allowed is death and loneliness._

_Now imagine about dreaming about your death every night. _

_Now imagine the last person you thought would care for you, cares for you, and dies for you in your dreams._

_What kind of world is that? What kind of life is that? What kind of way to die is this?_

_Because you __**will**__ die –_

_And it will have all been for nothing. Not your happiness, not your legacy, not your love – it will have all been for __nothing__._

Screams.

"Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh," Damon whispered as he moved her hair out of her face, finding her frantic eyes, "I'm right here, you're fine. You're fine, I'm here, _see_?" he brought her closer and smiled as he held her gaze. Even though her body remained panicked she nodded, trying to ease herself out of her latest nightmare. She dipped her head away from his searching blue eyes, pressing her forehead to his chest as she slowed her breathing, counting in her head until she could talk.

"I'm _sorry_." She murmured after the longest while. "I know I say it every time but –"

"And like every other time I'll tell you what I always do, that I'll be here, always and that we're going to be okay because _you're_ going to be okay." Bonnie's hands were twisted in the fabric of his shirt and she froze immediately, moving away from him. He was wearing one of his usual black v neck shirts, he even smelled like he used to…

"Stefan left a few things at the end of the porch this morning while you slept. I left you for about twenty minutes." The way he emphasised the time he was gone was strange, like he'd been pushing it, like he wasn't allowed to.

"Damon –"

"My choice Bennett," he effectively cut her off and brought her back to his side, tucking her head gently under his chin, "…Took him long enough if you ask me."

"You smell like I remember." She mused, "It's nice."

"The cologne or the fact that I'm wearing it again?"

"Both," she said, "One more than the other." One, two. One, two. Tap-tap, tap-tap. "I know we never went to out to the garden like I said we should, but I want to. Could we go now?"

"Of course."

As Bonnie stood under the showerhead she thought to when she first got back and she couldn't bring herself to speak. And then, when she did all that came out of her mouth were words made to hurt the people talking to her. How they'd been hurt, and hadn't returned…like she supposed she wanted. Damon stayed though – and she'd tried to hurt him too. It was odd, she who had made a name for herself being the 'good' person, the martyr, the fighter pushing away someone like Damon Salvatore when all he was doing despite being who he was, was trying to help her. And someone like him choosing to see past her hollowness to the girl she might still have been if she hadn't been through everything she had. Had she ever stood a chance to remain whatever she'd been?

She wondered what he saw when he looked at her now. She wondered what _she'd_ see if she looked at herself in the mirror – something she had point blank refused to do. The furthest she got was her mouth and even that was too much; she could see how sallow her complexion had become, how dried out the skin of her mouth was…if she looked into her own eyes, saw the extent of the damage as it floated to the surface of her reflection…

She doubted very much that it would do her any good. So she didn't.

Stepping out of the shower she wrapped herself up in her towel, brushed her teeth and did whatever else there was to do, then accused herself rightfully of procrastinating and left the bathroom to get changed. Those ten minutes she was in the bathroom were about the only moments she really had to herself. Something she was grateful for – she couldn't stomach being alone longer than that. Once she was changed he stepped back into her room and held her eyes. She pressed her mouth together and nodded and he held out his hand. That was another thing; he'd taken to touching her as often as was appropriate because in her dreams they hardly ever did and she sometimes she woke up scared she was still asleep. It was all very precarious.

"Ready?"

"Let's go."

_The garden_

Damon couldn't help but smile as he watched her walk through the greenery. Every flower she touched vibrated and burst up with a sudden flash of magic, returning to its vibrant colour and health. The trees that looked so forlorn before groaned gratefully as she caressed the bark lovingly, humming under her breath. She didn't notice as yet but every step she took over the grass brought the fresh jade colour back to the blades in circular ripples that rolled a few feet away in their circumference. She was barefoot and in a pale yellow sundress, the most Bonnie-like thing she'd worn since she'd returned. She turned and looked at him, smiling shyly before walking over to the rose bushes next to him. In an unprecedented synchronisation they both dropped to their haunches and inspected the drooping white flowers.

"Even wilted they stay one of the most beautiful flowers," Bonnie said with a faraway look in her eyes, wondering about who found the first rose, and who thought to call it that, "Don't you think?" Damon blinked a few times, rapidly, looking away from her face and to the flowers she was talking about.

"I do, yes." He said, even though he didn't care about roses in the slightest. He was still trying to fathom the young woman in front of him; she wasn't like the Bonnie he knew or the one he thought she'd been before he grew to care for her as he did now – she was something else entirely. Fragile and spectacular, broken and perfect. He just wanted her to be happy and in that moment he could have sworn she was. Just then his ears prickled with the sounds of two voices he _did_ not want to be hearing right now –

"We should go inside." He whispered, as softly as possible, right into her ear watching as her face became clouded over with panic and concern in reaction to whatever she saw in his eyes just then.

"Okay." She said, without hesitation, her hand dropping from the only white rose she'd healed as she stood to her feet.

"– I can smell her." One voice gasped.

"They're in the back garden, _go_!" Another said hurriedly. Damon had just reached the back door with Bonnie cradled in his arms when Elena called out.

"Damon?" Looking away from Bonnie's terrified face he turned them both around to face Elena and Caroline.

"At least let me take her back inside." Damon attempted to negotiate, "She isn't ready for this." Elena frowned while guilt began to seep through Caroline's features. The blonde took in the state of her best friend as Damon held her bridal style. Sure, Bonnie was wearing one of her favourite summer dresses but that was it. Everything else was different; her skin, her lifeless eyes with bags under them, the way she was clinging to Damon like he was the only thing that made sense to her anymore, her weight loss…

"Elena we should go." Caroline said determinedly. "If Bonnie isn't ready, she _isn't_ _ready_."

"I'm not." Bonnie said, and Caroline felt her stomach twist, Bonnie's voice was smaller too, shattered-sounding. Nothing like the hollow girl that had kicked Caroline out of the house all those weeks ago, no, but this was worse somehow – like Bonnie had finally realised how broken she was, like she'd finally accepted all the pain she was in. Elena began shaking her head and Caroline regretted not coming alone…she knew she should have but it was this or listening to Elena's endless obsessing about what she thought was happening between Damon and Bonnie and the thousands of questions she would have had lined up upon Caroline's return.

"No," Elena said, "I want answers, I _deserve_ answers, she's _my_ best friend." Damon felt Bonnie stiffen in his arms. In a flash Caroline had a death grip on Elena's arm and the brunette's head snapped to hers in defiance, "I do Caroline," Elena continued, "Damon hasn't spoken to me in weeks after all his efforts in trying to get me to remember what we had…he disappears and Bonnie cuts everyone out of her life, Jeremy, us, Matt, Stefan…we need answers."

"No." Caroline's voice was low and dangerous. "We don't _deserve_ answers, least of all _you_." Elena's face slipped into shock.

"Excuse me?" Elena muttered, yanking herself out of Caroline's grip.

"You two need to leave." Damon said firmly; he didn't raise or lower his voice. It stayed even, yet in this, the threat was somehow more pronounced, "I won't ask you again." Caroline nodded.

"You said you loved me," Elena said, "You said that when it came to me and Bonnie that you'd _always_ choose me, I read the words I wrote in my journal myself. I know how much you love me." In that moment Damon wanted to strangle her, he felt Bonnie's hold on him slacken and it killed him.

"I'm not that person anymore Elena," Damon said, "Remember when we went back for Bonnie? What did I tell you then? That I was doing it for _her_, and how could you even bring that up right now?" He went on, his voice edgier, "_Look_ at her!" He snapped, "_We_ did this, _all_ of us and I'm the one she's trusting to make it better so that's exactly what I'm going to do and I don't care who I have to lose doing it…Remember this Elena," he said, his blue eyes cold and hard, "Bonnie would never make me choose, not between you, not between anyone else and that's what makes it so much easier to put her first." With that Damon stepped back into the house, finally looking back down at Bonnie.

"Please put me down." She said softly and he obliged her. She hugged her arms to her chest as she looked down and he could almost hear the wheels in her head turning. "I'm not naïve about our past Damon," Bonnie said, "I've always known what motivated your actions before we died – it was all for Elena, just like mine were too, for the longest time…" she looked up then, "Maybe that's why it's so confusing for me to see you like this, to try and wrap my head around this version of yourself –"

"This is the only version that's _left_ Bonnie –"

"I know that," she said, "I know how much you've lost, how much you've hurt and how much you've grown as a person Damon, I saw some of it with my own eyes when it was just us, remember?" He nodded, "I just…I guess I'm wondering how much it's going to cost you to help me and I know what you'll say, you'll say that I'm worth it, that I always was and _should have_ been…but somewhere inside I'm still me and I can't be the person who takes from someone else just to be better, or let's someone give and give until they end up with nothing... I never _was_. I won't see how far all of this pushes you until I stand a chance at being who I was – I _will_ die Damon," she said her green eyes sharp and pulsing with something akin to determination, "And there's nothing you can do to change that. I won't let you dedicate what's left of my time trying to save me when there is literally no way to change that fact…I'm going to die and this will have all been for nothing."

"You're _wrong_," Damon said, his hands suddenly on either side of her face, "It's not worth _nothing_…it's worth _everything_. Whether you die five minutes from now or a _thousand_ _years_ from now. The time we spend together, the things I do for you, the things you do for me… They'll all be worth it, because that's the beauty of life I guess…we cherish what brings substance and meaning to us and to our lives and that's what you've done for me, since the day you set me alight for the first time." He could barely think through the fear swirling in his chest as he looked into her resigned eyes, he felt like he was losing her all over again, "No matter which perspective you take, there will always be a downside to it, somehow. But it doesn't matter. _You_ do. _**Yes**_," he said, his eyes fluttering at the words he was about to speak, "You will die, but I don't want you to think about it that way, if only to stop _me_ from thinking about it that way…if all I ever thought about when it came to you was the inevitability of your death do you know what I would have done?"

"…Turned me?" She guessed and he nodded.

"Exactly, but it's not all I think about when it comes to you," he said and his voice grew softer, more delicate, "I think about hope, how you see it, how you _saw_ it when we were dead…I think about when you saved my life from Kai, more than once, I think about all the things you did for me before I gave you any reason to and that's why I'm here and that's why I'll never leave. Because I know that if you cared a tenth for me how I care about you, you'd be doing the exact same thing."

"You _know_ how scared I am of dying again," she whispered as two tears fell from her eyes; one, two. "I've never been more frightened of anything more in my life…until now. Now I know that nothing scares me more than that look you have in your eyes. Nothing scares me more than how much you care about me and why you care about me…it shows how much has changed Damon, and it shows how much you'll lose when I'm gone so you should –"

"I'm not going anywhere." He said cutting her off. "Don't even bother suggesting it anymore." She nodded once and dropped her head in defeat, her small fingers circling each of his wrists as he held onto her face. She looked up again and let out a long breath.

"Who are we now?" She asked, "If we're not Bonnie and Damon, and, as it stands, I can no longer be her and I no longer see _him_, if we're not them, then who _are_ we?"

"We're _this_." Damon said, "And there isn't anything wrong with that."

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><p><strong>Thoughts?<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Note: **I'm going to start wrapping this up soon, so don't get attached. (Hahahaha, who am I kidding, if this fic was a boy I'd be waiting at the phone for him to call me back _I'm_ so smitten) Enjoy. Also, it is unedited.

(PS, this is dedicated to my bestie **_Ladylibre_**, because her reviews are like shooting stars to me XO)

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

"**Curiouser and curiouser."**

How do you help someone when they're this broken? How can you promise hope and encourage faith when you yourself have so little left? How can you find your way back when you hated where you were in the first place? How can you try and rediscover someone who you aren't sure you even knew to begin with? Why did she always scream when she woke up? Was it because she woke up or because she'd fallen asleep in the first place? What did she dream about, _really_? Why did she seem to be getting thinner with every damn day even though she ate three times like she was meant to? Why was her heartbeat so faint? _Was_ she dying? Oh god…What if she was…what could he do?

"Damon?" Bonnie called again and he started. Blinking a few times he looked down at her, a question in his eyes, "I was just asking if you wanted more blood?" _Blood_? Rubbing his eyes he shook his head in the negative and adjusted their bodies so that he was more comfortable, her jutting bones had taken on the sharpest quality and they dug into him wherever they could; like he needed another reminder of how he was failing her.

"I'm fine." He said softly, narrowing his eyes at the TV screen in front of them as they sat on her favourite couch in the living room. Truth be told he wasn't fine. It was like he'd woken up and found everything in the wrong place. He couldn't find it in himself to pursue Elena anymore…not now that he had his brother as his brother again finally, it wasn't right to try and love the face that kept tearing them apart – they both deserved better than that. He couldn't find it in himself to crave the love he'd been deprived of all these years…he didn't want that all-consuming madness anymore. It _had_ consumed him, regurgitated him only for the process to repeat itself again. There was nothing left of him to consume; if he gave in one more time to the likes of a Petrova, to Elena, he'd lose himself forever and he didn't want that anymore. There was no appeal in being entombed in an obsession that you tried to shape as love. He wanted _purpose_…he wanted to see more of that gratefulness in Bonnie's sleep-ridden eyes when she found him waiting for her again…like he promised he would be. He didn't mind if he never got to love again so long as he got to continue this journey with himself and with her, see where it took them; to see what they became when they finally took a chance on themselves. "_Really_." He said when she continued to stare at him, "I just got lost in my head for a second."

"Okay," Bonnie said, "Just promise you'll ask if you need anything." They held one another's gaze, "_Promise_." She pressed.

"I promise I'll ask." She nodded then and leaned into his side as they both stared unseeingly at the screen.

"Do you think we could go star-gazing tonight?"

"Where, in the garden?" A small shrug was her response, "You'll hardly see any."

"_Oh_." The sound her voice made around that one little word unsettled him somewhat.

"I know the perfect place we could go but it's not exactly around the corner." She became perplexed, mulling over every possible scenario that may develop if she set foot outside of the house. "We don't have to go you know…" Damon went on after the silence stretched. She nodded and sighed softly. Her body stiffened suddenly and her eyes widened.

"I have an idea," she hopped up onto her feet and began moving about with energetic jerky movements that confused and alarmed Damon as he frowned up at her. "Turn all the appliances and lights off, _quick_!" A few minutes later the house was plunged in darkness as the two of them laid on a thick quilted blanket, side by side on the living room floor.

"So, when are you going to tell me what this genius plan of yours is?" Damon prompted as he folded his arms behind his head, getting comfortable. Bonnie turned on her side, resting her head on his bicep and lifting her free hand to wave over them. Damon's jaw dropped when he saw flecks of 'starlight' hanging in the air in the wake of her fingertips. She wiggled her fingers, twisted her wrist and moved her hand about in a graceful and languid manner; painting the space just above them with constellations, comets, shooting stars and the like. "Bonnie, this is…" the awe in his voice lingered even after the sound trailed off. He looked down at her, her face lit up with the reflective shimmers of starlight bouncing off of her skin. Her eyes were wide and wondrous, much like his he suspected. She was concentrating on creating the proper astral structures so she wasn't paying attention to herself.

Damon knew for a fact that as a person there were two sides to you; the side when you knew you were being observed and another where you weren't. Bonnie was more herself when she wasn't focused on her surroundings, when she didn't take into account Damon's gaze on her face. She was calmer – this wasn't to say the intention of his gaze was to unsettle her or that she saw it that way; it was simply because she was more comfortable when she was unaware of herself and the world. She was the best version of herself here, lost in her thoughts and her heart and Damon counted himself lucky that after everything they'd both been through that he could still bear witness to that. It was moments like these that he almost forgot about everything that had gone wrong; he almost forgot about how close he came to dying when he fought against Kai, Kai's words about them and Bonnie, Elena, his brother…when it came to these quiet moments with Bonnie he could feel it all ebb away, and then she'd turn to him and smile and it would all come rushing back tenfold.

With Bonnie, he remembered everything about himself; the good and the bad and the miserable. He remembered it all and he remembered how her hope had surpassed it all so effortlessly. How her caring for him had both astounded and saved him from losing his mind while they were trapped on the other side. She made him remember himself without resenting himself because she'd outgrown her resentment of him. And Damon figured that if _she_ could do it then so could he and just like that, he took a step towards becoming this person. He blinked and brought himself back to the present, his eyes flitting back up to the galaxies she'd arranged above them.

"It's beautiful." He murmured and she hummed in agreement.

"Using magic like this makes me feel better," she said off handedly, "It makes me feel tethered to reality."

"Is that what you want?" Damon wondered and she frowned thoughtfully.

"Sure," she answered after a few moments, "As long as I get a say in what that reality _is_." Damon grinned, an inkling of pride swelling between his lungs.

"I'd live in the world you made." He said softly, stuffing a pillow behind his head and freeing up his arms, one of them immediately wrapping around her waist.

"Is that so?" He nodded, perfectly serious, "There'd probably be dragons."

"There'd _better_ be dragons."

"And mermaids."

"Not sirens?"

"…You'd _want_ sirens?"

"I've grown impervious to temptation Bennett, they could sing to their heart's content."

"You've grown _impervious_ have you?" Bonnie said with a glimmer of mirth in her eyes.

"You're the one with the word of the week calendar in their bedroom." He retorted and she rolled her eyes, "Besides, I'm almost two hundred years old; I'm allowed to use the word impervious."

"True." Another sigh, "It's been too long since I've used magic like this; you know, because I wanted to, and on a whim, without anyone being in danger…it's nice." The stars began to fall down on them, some spiralling and twirling, all fading to soft flickering embers before vanishing as they touched the ground or Damon or Bonnie.

"It's like we're starting over in a lot of ways, you and me." Damon's voice was low, like he was lulling her to sleep, and he might just get it right as they lay there in the dark.

"I don't think we could ever start over," She replied as she tapped against his chest; one, two, one, two, "And I don't _want_ to start over with you – the best part about us that we don't need to start over to move forward." That brought Damon up short and his posture stiffened, and Bonnie lifted her gaze to his face curiously.

"And just like that you remind me how I survived all those months on the other side." Damon murmured. "I don't know how you do it, but sometimes I swear it's like you're the one with all the years racked up against _me_."

"Is that your reluctant way of saying I'm wiser than you?" Bonnie teased and he snorted.

"_Cheeky_." He twirled a few strands of her hair between his fingers, just listening to her heart beat; one, two, one, two. "But not wrong." They both laughed.

"Bonnie!" Their laughter died out. "Bonnie, come **outside**."

"Do you want me to –"

"Please." Bonnie begged softly, her heart thumping erratically in her chest as they listened to Jeremy call out to her. "I can't talk to him yet."

"I'll be right back."

"Okay." Damon moved to sit up and paused, swooped down and kissed the top of her head. When he stepped out onto the porch he locked eyes with the younger Gilbert, whose own eyes were bloodshot while waves of sour smelling staleness rolled off of him – _alcohol_.

"_Really_ Jeremy?" Damon scoffed as he crossed his arms, shaking his head disappointedly as the boy slammed into the wards around the house again and again, "You're not getting in here and she's not ready to leave."

"**Why**!" The boy yelled. Damon clenched his jaw but inhaled purposefully, remaining calm.

"She's not ready." Damon replied smoothly.

"But she's ready to spend weeks on end locked up in the house with _you_!" The boy snarled in return, slamming his hands against the invisible wall, "The man who has done _nothing_ but treat her like shit from the get-go…the one who when it came down to it left her _behind_." Damon's eyes flashed with a spark of anger and he balled his fists.

"Doesn't that make you _think_?" Damon hissed taking one step forward, still closer to the door than even the first step at the end of the porch, "That it was _me_ she chose, that it's me she _trusts_? After everything that it's _me_ she wants around? Doesn't that make you think how badly you hurt her? How badly everyone _else_ hurt her!"

"She **left** me!" Jeremy cried out angrily.

"She **died** Jeremy!" Damon yelled finally, "She died for _all_ of us and it's not the same thing as 'leaving', we all know how much we relied on Bonnie to fix everything, to pull through and save the day no matter what the cost – you can't get mad because you think she did it to get away from you – it had _nothing_ to do with your relationship or _lack thereof_…It had everything to do with how we treated her, how she treated herself and she's _still_ the _only_ _one_ paying for the consequences for saving everyone yet again…and for some reason she's let me in and it means the world to me because I _finally_ get the chance to say _thank you_ for everything she's done for me and for all of us and the fact that you're still making this about yourself is a testament to how utterly pathetic you are and how much you _don't_ deserve her."

"And _you_ do?" Jeremy accused causing Damon to sneer.

"This isn't about boyfriends, girlfriends or petty emotions, this about _real_ feelings and needs and depression and death scares and nightmares, it's about weight loss and helplessness. This is about getting Bonnie better and you should know better than thinking coming here drunk out of your mind is going to help anything. Go home baby Gilbert, you're better off literally _anywhere_ else."

"Is that a threat?"

"Stop goading me into a fight," Damon snapped, "You're a _boy_ – I could kill you before your next intake of breath and you wouldn't feel a _thing_. But I won't and it's not because of your sister, it's because Bonnie cares about you…loves you? _Loved_ you? I don't know. Don't make me hurt her like that because if you keep talking like this and if you keep _disrespecting_ her, I _will_ hurt you."

"Fuck you Damon. You don't get to come between us." Jeremy spat.

"Go _home_."

"This isn't over."

"I'll end it if you don't leave right now." Damon warned, his eyes bleeding red for emphasis.

"Nice party trick dick head." Jeremy muttered, spinning on his heel to stumble off into the dark. Damon exhaled and flashed back inside to where Bonnie was sitting lotus styles on the blanket in the living room where a few candles were flickering lowly. Her head was in her hands and he could smell the saline permeating the room.

"Want to talk?" She shook her head as he dropped to sit in front of her, he lifted her face up and saw the tears streaming down her face. "He was just drunk, it'll –"

"No, it's not that," Bonnie hiccupped as she wiped at her face even as the tears kept flowing. "I had a vision." Alarmed, Damon's eyes scanned her face as the worst case scenarios played through his head.

"_Tell_ _me_." He pressed.

"I'm going to die… Tomorrow night I'm going to _die_."

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><p><strong>Thoughts?<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Note: **I lose a thousand cool points admitting this, but, I teared up a little as I wrote this chapter and the next (I had to split them in two, just to annoy you guys ;)). I hope my momentary break down was worth something. _Enjoy_ XO... Also, it is unedited

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

**"My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that." **

"_**I **__**did this**__!" Damon shouted, "I did this to both of you! How do you think that makes me feel, knowing I had a hand in the things that broke the _both_ of you? Knowing that I'm a part of the reason that you became this hideous person, that she became this…this shell of who she was? It's killing me! It __**kills**__ me. Every day… and if she's __**right**__…if __**this**__ is how it ends, then it ends for me too…"_

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><p><em>The previous night<em>

"What do you mean you're **dying** tomorrow night?" Damon demanded when Bonnie pulled away from him and began pacing, still crying. "I don't understand Bonnie, is it your health? What is it? Because I won't let anything hurt you let alone kill you, I –"

"Damon, it's me." Bonnie said sadly. "It's _me_," he felt like he was looking at the same girl that unravelled in front of his eyes all those nights ago when he kicked her door down and she opened up to him, "I'm the reason I'm going to die."

"_No_," He spat, "There's something you're not telling me." Her face crumpled even more and she collapsed onto the floor; a heaving ball of sobs and tears. "**Bonnie**." He dropped down next to her and tried to hold her face but she pushed him away, her cries growing louder, more throaty, like the pain was increasing. He began to panic; her not wanting him close by wasn't normal – it wasn't _their_ normal. And her crying had changed too, like whatever she'd seen, whatever she thought she had to accept had ripped her apart all over again. She wasn't breathing properly and her body was practically seizing she was shaking so badly and Damon, again, didn't know what to do.

"It felt, _final_ – Damon," Bonnie choked out in a sob as she curled up into the foetal position, with him hovering over her frantically ghosting his hands over her person, trying to think of something, **anything** to fix it, "He's going to die and I'm going to die saving him…_again_." Her voice broke and Damon, pushing through his want to hold her, processed her words. Then it all slammed together – it dawned on Damon what was going to happen and it broke his undead heart.

_Jeremy_.

Pulling out his phone he called Stefan, keeping his eyes trained on Bonnie, _her_ eyes having turned red from the pressure she was using to clamp her mouth shut to muffle her screaming as she rocked to and fro, squeezing her eyes shut as her heart rattled in her chest.

"Stefan," Damon barked, "I need you to find Jeremy and –"

"I know where he is." Something in his brother's voice gave Damon pause.

"…What is it," Damon asked, "What happened."

"He just got out of his car and stepped in front of another on Wickery Bridge, Elena and I are on the way to the hospital right now with the ambulance." Damon swallowed. "You wouldn't know why he was stumbling around shouting something about you and Bonnie would you?" Damon sneered.

"He was drunk, I sent him home, end of story." Stefan was quiet. "…What else."

"Nothing."

"She blames _me_ doesn't she?"

"Not _you_ –"

"You're **joking**!" Damon barked, his eyes wide and angry, even as Bonnie slipped into an abrupt sleep, having exhausted herself completely – totally shutting down. He pressed his phone between his ear and his shoulder and picked her up, making his way upstairs to her bed. Her body was so hot against the temperature of his that for a moment he swore where their skin touched she'd scalded him.

"He wouldn't have done any of it if Bonnie had just _spoken_ to him!" Elena shouted from the passenger seat of Stefan's car as they tailed the ambulance.

"**Enough** Elena," Stefan scolded, "Why did you call asking me to find him anyway?" He asked as Damon put Bonnie down and pulled away, stopped by her hand clasping his.

"Because he's going to die." Damon replied softly as his eyes trailed over Bonnie. Tremors shook her body even in her sleep, causing her to squeeze his hand repeatedly as wave after wave of shuddering swam through her.

"_**What**_?!" Elena half-screamed.

"Bonnie had a vi –"

"Tell Bonnie to bring him back, she did before!" Elena called out, her voice shrill and desperate as she clawed at Stefan for the phone. The only thing stopping Damon from breaking something was the small sleeping witch holding his other hand. He gnashed his teeth together to release some of his fury and heard the metal frame of the phone splinter slightly even as he did his best to remain composed. He couldn't afford a blind rampage right now; he had to _think_.

"Why didn't you try vampire blood?" Damon snarled in a low voice.

"Because of all the alcohol in his body he was bleeding out too quickly, coupled with all of his injuries and all the _witnesses_ in the car that hit him –" Damon cursed inwardly as he looked down at Bonnie, her face overrun with drying tear-streaks and frowning. "And Elena wasn't helping –"

"Stefan!" Elena gasped and Damon growled, throwing his phone against the wall. He'd run out of time. Dropping to his knees he looked at Bonnie as she twitched and whimpered in her sleep. She _would_ do it, that's why she was sure she'd die – because she would do it for him; she'd been right about it all along; dying for someone she loved again and Damon had been too hopeful to give it a second thought, so sure that no one would ask it of her anymore.

_The next day_

Damon had spent all night twirling a fresh syringe filled with his blood between his fingers as he watched Bonnie sleep – who knew why Rudy had kept so many syringes anyway? He'd been volleying between two things as she slept – surprisingly the deepest sleep she'd had since he'd moved in. He was stuck between injecting her with his blood without her knowing and having her resent him for all of eternity, or not even turn…or let her make her own decisions and respect them as much as they hurt him. Usually the choice would have been simple for Damon: figure out what you want and take it. But he couldn't do that with Bonnie, he couldn't do that _to_ her; her opinion meant too much for him to disregard it just because he didn't like the choices she made. It unnerved him, the effect she'd had on him in such a short amount of time, and how, even through _everything_ she'd experienced that she'd _still_ let the world's crushing weight be placed on her shoulders and _still_ put Elena and Jeremy first…costing her _everything_. Taking what they had to the grave, himself and her …because at some point during the night he realised that it wasn't loving Elena that'd hammer the final nail in the coffin for him, no; it would be losing Bonnie. She wouldn't only be killing herself; she'd be killing him too – in every way that mattered. Because who was he when he wasn't loving or saving a doppelganger? Who was he when he wasn't pushing Stefan to the brink? The closest thing he had to answer that question was in this moment here, as he hovered over Bonnie as she curled into his side – ignoring the umpteenth phone call and shouts from outside her window. The repulsion that pooled in his mouth at the thought of what they wanted from Bonnie had him beside himself with rage; but again, she kept him here, because in a matter of moments she'd wake up and need to see that he stayed.

As if on cue her eyelids fluttered and she drew in a long breath from her nose and it hitched, like she was choking on something. And then she _did_ begin to choke and Damon threw the needle into her top draw, both his hands on either side of her face as he called to her. He didn't see the letter that had appeared out of thin air on top of the side table.

"_Bonnie_," the panic was clear as day, "Bonnie, I need you to wake up." Dribbles of water slipped out of the corners of her suddenly blue mouth as she continued to choke and Damon's eyes widened as he watched her entire mattress became soaked with brine. "_**Bonnie**_!" Her eyes flashed open and they were dulled, the green colour milked over, like she'd already died. "**Bonnie**!" Her eyes closed and she began coughing, gasping and when she opened her eyes all she saw was Damon's panicked face looming over hers, the vampire looking like he might cry. She frowned and coughed once more, to clear her throat, one of her hands reaching out to curl around Damon's wrist. The second she'd opened her eyes all the water had disappeared making it seem like nothing had even happened.

"Damon what is it –" but the answer to the question was what cut her off. "Oh my god…_Jeremy_…Where is he?"

"Bonnie, you almost _drowned_ a few momen –" She pulled away from him and he was beginning to dislike it very much, clenching his jaw as she wriggled out from under him to get to her feet and stumbled groggily to her closet to put on some clothes.

"Where is he?" She asked again, spinning to face him as she pulled on a pair of ugg boots over her thick black tights.

"He's at the hospital." _Last he'd heard anyway_…Damon muttered begrudgingly and watched her face pale, impossibly more than it already was. She'd give him a run for his money soon.

"What happened? Last night I had a vision and…then I woke up to you looking at me like I'd –"

"Like you _died_?" Damon snapped, "Because for a second there I thought you **did** Bonnie," He stepped forward unable to reign in his anger anymore, "Bonnie I don't know what you saw in your vision but you got it wrong, you're _not_ dying, I won't let you." He reeled back a little as something else occurred to him, "And would you care to explain why I almost just watched you drown in your own bed not a minute ago? Because that was _not_ normal."

"My powers are probably acting up," She huffed as she stood to face the mirror and fix her hair, "Nothing new." He watched her face as she brushed through her hair and tugged on a hoodie, still not looking him in the eye.

"Why do I feel like I'm the only one who cares if you live or not?" Damon asked, his voice soft, a poignant mixture of anger and sadness. Her green eyes met his blue ones then as she stilled her movements.

"That's not fair –" In a flash he had her turned to face him, his eyes wild, fuelled by a strange anger, an erratic recklessness that had nothing to do with Elena and everything to do with _her_.

"Of course it's not _fair_ Bonnie," He hissed into her face, ignoring her frantic heart beat that sent pulses that seemed to echo into his own chest, "Not a single aspect of the situation you're currently _in_ is fair, but that doesn't answer my question…between you, me and _everyone_ else…why am _I_ the only one who seems to care if you live or not? You keep saying that you don't want to die but what are you getting dressed to do _right_ _**now**_?" He moved away a little and drew in a deep breath before opening his eyes and continuing, "Jeremy knew what he was doing when he stepped in front of the car –" She gasped and tears sprang into her eyes, "And I don't care what it seems like or what it sounds like coming from me; but Bonnie, you can't do this…I can't lose you, not over him, not again – there's no coming back from it this time…there's no other side, no purgatory, _nothing_ –"

"There's heaven." Bonnie interjected softly and Damon clenched his jaw.

"I can't let you go to _heaven_," he said, "There's no way they'd let me in there, and I can't _lose_ you – not this way and not yet…_please_ _don't_ _**do**_ _this_…_**Bonnie**_," He didn't know what he must have looked like in that moment but he'd never felt more desperate in his life, "_**Bonnie**_… **stay**, please, for **me**…_**Stay**_." He searched her eyes for something, anything to give an inkling of what she was about to say but as she opened her mouth to speak –

"Bonnie!" Elena's voice cut through whatever moment passed between Damon and Bonnie in that split second before her eyes flitted to her window and then her face hardened, like he'd seen it do so many times…she'd made her choice and he'd have to live with it.

"_Bonnie_." Damon tried calling out to her even as she left her bedroom. He took a second to feel everything he was aching to feel and then pushed it all down and followed after her.

When they stepped outside into the back garden Damon flashed to her side and took in the sight before them. It was Stefan and Caroline looking grim as they stood behind a wild-eyed Elena who'd been pacing to and fro in greenery.

"Why didn't you just _talk_ to him?" Elena asked, her voice louder than necessary. Bonnie swallowed once, then again and tried to form the right words. As she moved to speak Elena interrupted her, "Or was it because you were too busy 'talking'," she curled her fingers around the word with a snarl curling her upper lip, "To Damon?"

"I wasn't ready Elena, I'm _still_ not ready but I'm here anyway so _stop_." Bonnie replied, trying to stay calm even as her heart was shattering to a thousand pieces and her head was swimming with a thousand things - all she could do was breathe through it all and hope that that was enough. Why did it no longer feel like it was enough? Everything was too much…Being with Damon had been enough…but now, like everything else it had turned out to be too much – too much for one heart…too much for one dying girl. And Bonnie knew from the look in Elena's eyes that Jeremy was dead, Jeremy was dead and Elena wanted her to die to fix it. All Bonnie wanted to do was lay down next to Damon for a while in the quiet…but it wasn't an option anymore.

"I'll stop when I have all the _answers_ Bonnie." Elena growled.

"_Enough_ Elena." Damon and Stefan said at the same time, their tone and cadence matching in their exasperation and disappointment. Bonnie drew in a slow breath and walked forward, Damon matching her step for step until they walked through the protective wards. Elena started forward but Damon held out his hand causing her to skid to a stop.

"_Stop_." Damon's voice was low and challenging and it irked Elena, simultaneously causing a spark of curiosity to flash through the vampire.

"I knew you grew to care about her while you were on the other side but I don't think any of us," She waved a hand between herself and Stefan and Caroline, "Would have expected _this_." She threw both hands out towards Damon and Bonnie to punctuate the last word.

"How is Jeremy?" Bonnie asked, innocently, as evenly as she could…she needed to hear someone say it. Elena's face darkened even more.

"He's dead Bonnie, that's why I'm _here_, you brought him back before, I know you can do it again." Bonnie nodded and tears fell as she dipped her head to process the news. One, two.

"Did you turn off your switch?" Damon accused and Elena barked a laugh.

"Not just yet, but I'm close, I just need Bonnie to do what she always does and _fix_ this…she needs to _fix_ this." Elena's voice was rising with every word and Damon would have retaliated if he wasn't taking stock of every movement passing over Bonnie's features. Bonnie drew in a breath and flicked her wrist, sending Damon and Caroline flying backwards, distracting Stefan.

"You didn't have to do all of this Elena," Bonnie said as she stepped towards the vampire, "I would have done _anything_ for him, everyone knows that because I have _before_."

"Then _do_ it!" Elena barked. "I _need_ him back."

"What about _me_, huh?" Bonnie asked, her voice fraying off at the edges, "What about what _I_ need?" Elena didn't even react. "…You don't care, do you? Not that I blame you, we're practically strangers now aren't we?" Bonnie's eyes flickered to Damon and back to Elena.

"You know you're the one who killed him _right_?" Elena said as if Bonnie hadn't spoken at all, "You've _been_ killing him, since the other side collapsed, all he did was drink and cry and hate himself…then when you _do_ come back you make it all worse by cutting him off anyway – he _needed_ you Bonnie and you weren't _there_ and then when he came to you, you send him away – and not even face to face, you sent _Damon_ to do your dirty work for you!" Damon and Caroline were lifting themselves up off of the floor, Stefan's arm around the blonde's waist as Damon flashed upright. Elena's eyes bled into crimson and she flashed forward and shoved at Bonnie. "We _needed_ you and you weren't _there_!" Damon caught Bonnie before she could connect with the ground and he held onto her long after her feet were balanced and she was upright. Caroline had pulled Elena back so aggressively that all the vampires heard a bone snap from the pressure.

"Do that again and I'll stake you myself." Caroline vowed. Bonnie's eyes were wide and wet as she clung unconsciously to Damon's arm around her waist while she held Elena's furious gaze and tear-filled eyes. _Keep breathing, keep breathing, you're fine, he's fine, you're awake, this is real…Just keep breathing…_

"You've taken Damon from me," Elena went on, "The least you could do is give me my brother back." Bonnie felt what was left of her soul shatter to powdery pieces, lost forever.

That was it. Nothing left.

No more Bonnie, no more _time_, no **more**; _nothing_ left in her or outside of her – no reason to live. Damon felt the witch in his arms deflate and something in him snapped.

"I won't let her!" Damon snarled, "I don't care what I have to do, but Bonnie _isn't_ dying today…And I won't stand here and let you blame her for _**anything**_. If you want someone to blame then look at me," Bonnie frowned up at him but his eyes stayed trained on Elena, whom he barely recognised, "_I_ did this!" Damon shouted, "I did this to both of you! How do you think that makes me feel, knowing I had a hand in the things that broke the _both_ of you? Knowing that I'm a part of the reason that you became this hideous person, that she became this…this shell of who she was? It's killing me! It **kills** me. Every day… and if she's **right**…if **this** is how it ends, then it ends for me too – in _every_ way that matters…"

* * *

><p><strong>Thoughts?<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: **Unedited. _Shock_. (Penultimate chapter!)

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><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

Time is an odd thing. The oddness, one could suppose, comes from our perception thereof. Time is linear and predetermined; it's what we do with it that creates the patterns of a timeline; the memories, the milestones, the moments. Our existence gives time the substance it needs to have meaning to us. For me, the progression of time and all that comes with it is inevitable, like _I_ am – and I am Death. A guarantee – a prerequisite of life. I'm the price you pay to do the things you love, to be the person you are, to see the things you do, go the places you do, love the ones you love…I'm the price you pay when survival is no longer good enough. I'm the one you meet no matter who or what you do or don't believe in. No matter how you phrase it, I'm as much a part of your life as you are, and it's okay if that terrifies you, it's okay if you feel unsafe when they mention my name, or when I pop up in the deepest recesses of your mind. It's human, _normal_ to fear me.

But I'm here to tell you that you no longer need to fear me Bonnie, I'm here to tell you that _Death_, _me_, I'm just like you. A girl who was left alone too long to remember how to be anything outside of herself. We're the same, in fact, I consider us friends, and friends don't stand idly by while another is at risk. This is why I have written to you, and this is why I know that you'll get this letter, even though you think we're about to meet again. We're _not_, my schedule is full and frankly, if you visit this realm once more you might have me out of a job. I can't have that you see, _so_, I'm not letting you die. Not today, maybe never again. I'm giving you something I've been waiting to give someone for the longest time, waiting for a soul, pure enough to withstand the influx of this kind of power. They always said that light and dark go hand in hand, you know, that _balance_ you're so hung up on? Well, that'll be us. See…I'm making you an Angel of Mercy. Because even though people think of the Grim Reaper when they think of me, all I am is an Angel too, granted, my wings are black but that's irrelevant. Yours will be white, and you will be immortal, and you'll finally possess all the physical strength you need to keep up with the strength of your heart. And you've got the strongest heart I've seen in centuries – it's incredible. It should never have stopped all those times it did.

You've been charged with a task you've been seeing to all this time – protecting innocents. Except now, when you do the right thing, you won't have to sacrifice yourself for it. No, no more of that. You'll be indestructible, you'll be seen for what you are; a force to be reckoned with.

I know you must have a thousand questions, write to me, I'll answer them.

Always here,

Death.

* * *

><p>"<strong>This is impossible." Alice said.<strong>

"**Only if you believe it is." Said the Mad Hatter**

"What are you saying?" Elena gasped as her brown eyes locked on Damon.

"I'm saying that _everything_ changes Elena," Damon's voice was trembling but strong, he was feeling too many things at once and was doing his best to stay afloat, for himself and for everyone else. "We're all different now, none of the rules apply anymore, treating Bonnie the way we always did isn't what we _do_ anymore." His grip tightened on her when he said her name and Bonnie was just hanging onto him, blinking and breathing.

"Treat her the way we do? –" A yank from Caroline stopped Elena short, "I'm asking her to do what _any_ best friend would do."

"Including you?" Damon countered, "Go on then Elena, _die_ for her."

"I'm not the one who has t–"

"Because of Bonnie _none_ of us have _ever_ been the ones who have to." Caroline bit out through her clenched teeth. "Least of all _you_." Bonnie's heart rate picked up suddenly and she gasped at the change in her body's tempo. She started to writhe under Damon's hold, gasping for air. All eyes were on her as she and Damon dropped to the floor.

"Bonnie?" Damon was trying to hold her gaze but her eyes were rolling around, blind to him, "Bonnie, _talk to me_." Bonnie continued to gasp, heave, choke and splutter as her lids fell closed and her body began to seize in earnest. Damon's alarmed eyes locked on his brother who flashed over. "She almost drowned just now when she woke up," Damon babbled as he debated what to do and what it might be too late to do, "She said it was normal, that her magic acts up? I've been toying with turning her but she, she would hate me for it if I did, I know that." Stefan, along with everyone else was utterly out of his depth, "Stefan if …if she dies it's _over_ for me... She takes those shreds of humanity you've been so sure were in me all along with her and I won't have to turn my emotions off not to care about anything anymore. I'll have nothing in me to even fathom the pretence of empathy." Damon's breathing hitched, "What do I **do**, Stefan?" His eyes were shining when they met his younger brother's, "Do I do right by her and let it be or do I save her and lose her anyway? _**Tell me what to do!**_" The elder vampire's breathing was synched with Bonnie's irregular pattern, neither of them in control anymore.

Elena had turned silent in Caroline's grip, the blonde's hold tightening with every moment that passed as she heard Bonnie's heart lift and lift, beat faster and faster and they all knew what would happen before it did…thump, thump, thump – thu-thump, thump…

Thumpthumpthump…

Thump…thump.

One,

Two.

…_Nothing_.

Of course Damon Salvatore would finally do the right thing, would finally see truth when it was too late. Of course he would finally resemble the person Stefan loved him to be moments before losing himself entirely. Of course Elena would begin to cry. Of course Caroline would too, quietly, as she edged closer to Bonnie's dead body. Stefan's heart sank…he ran a hand down the side of Bonnie's cheek with a ghost of affection…her skin had already turned cold. Of course Bonnie would be wrong and would die before she could even try and kill herself trying to save Jeremy again. **No**…instead she died before she could have made that choice, before Damon could have made any choice…in his arms, her body finally caving in on itself despite his best efforts. For some reason her skin began to shimmer and shed these cosmic motes that fluttered around Stefan and Damon and her body as Damon began to rock her even though he knew she was gone. He'd never know if she would have stayed for him, he'd _never_ _know_…Too much was happening too quickly inside of Damon for him to comprehend anything. Tears pooled in his eyes and fell down onto Bonnie's face even as he slipped between his human and his vampiric state. His breathing deepened, became louder and gruffer; second by second he was feeling and losing every part of himself that had ever mattered. His whole body was twitching and shaking.

"Damon –" Stefan jerked in response to the snarl that ripped from Damon's lips as he glowered in response.

"**Leave**." Damon barked. "None of you should even have been here to begin with." He was slipping, falling, hoping wherever he landed was where Bonnie had been taken to.

"Why?" Stefan pressed, "So you could be the only one to lose her? I'm not leaving you Damon."

"Stefan, if I look up from her face in the next five seconds and you're all still here I'll kill everyone, starting with _you_."

"_Damon_ –" Elena tried to interject, also still trying to fathom what she was seeing, what she was feeling. Damon's blue eyes zeroed in on her. Without Bonnie he wasn't Damon, and if he wasn't Damon, he had nothing to protect, nothing to care for, no reason to leave anyone alive in his wake… he snarled viciously.

"Changed my mind," Damon hissed menacingly, "I'll start with _you_." Elena stammered incoherently, taking a few steps back. Damon grinned wolfishly, but the stretch of his mouth didn't reach his eyes and the extending of his canines removed any doubt of his intention. His vision clouded over with bursts of red and white. "**Leave!**" His voice boomed over the other three vampires and they were about to oblige when a softer voice called out.

"…Damon?" His head snapped back down to Bonnie's curious gaze. She lifted a hand, slowly, delicately, until it cupped the side of his face, the thumb stroking over his tear stained cheek. He frowned and gaped at her, still in full vampire-mode while tears dangled from the edges of his lashes. Her other hand moved to place itself over his heart.

"Your heart beat… It's –"

"_Gone_." She supplied and he nodded stupidly. "I think I'm dead Damon."

"I think so too." He stammered, more tears falling as he looked down at her, sure he'd finally lost his mind, maybe killed himself too – how else would she still be here? "Am I dead as well?" She giggled then, softly, and the sound unfurled something in his chest. A moment of bliss riddled with the innate knowledge that whatever world this was, wherever they were now was where he wanted to stay…as long as she was here he wouldn't leave.

"Damon, you've been dead for almost two hundred years." She reminded him and he narrowed his eyes at her as his face returned to its human visage.

"Is this real?" He wondered and her green eyes widened a little as they looked past his head and up at the trees she'd known since she could collect memories of her own. They were still in her garden, he was still here, he'd protected her, kept his word…as her eyes fell back to his she shrugged.

"Does it matter?" She countered.

"No." He said softly and the smallest of smiles turned up the corner of her mouth. She winced a little and in the blink of an eye he adjusted her weight so she'd be more comfortable. She sat upright and frowned, leaning into him, resting her forehead on his collarbone as she steadied her breathing. "What is it?" He asked, recognising her sounds of discomfort.

"My _back_ –" in a flash he'd spun her around and yanked her hoodie off for a better view of the problem, only it took the same time for wide, feathery wings to sprout from between her shoulder blades, effectively slapping him in the face.

"Ow!" He complained, shooing a few stray feathers out of his face and she spun around to face him, her eyes wide with panic.

"Are you okay?" He spluttered a little at her question.

"You're the one who just sprouted…_wings_, I should be asking you that." She flashed upright and he did too a split second later, still staring at her as she tilted her head at Elena. She took his hand in hers, squeezed it, then let go. It was all real.

"I'm fine," she said offhandedly, her eyes still on Elena, "With the wings, I mean…it feels weird but whatever," she blinked a few times to clear her head and took a step forward, mirrored by Damon and it led to Elena taking a step away from them. "I'm just…_processing_."

"I think we all are." Stefan said, eyes wide, but Bonnie didn't even look at him or react in any way on the surface, her sole focus being the brunette vampire in front of her, just more than an arm's length away.

"You're not, my …friend." Bonnie said slowly, as if she was trying to read Elena, "I don't know you, or why you're still here but you need to leave." Elena blinked.

"Bonnie's it's me, El –"

"I know your _name_," Bonnie clarified, "What I meant when I said I don't _know_ you was a little more complex than the thousands of memories we have together…_I don't know you_, as in, I no longer see you as the person you were once, whoever _that_ was…I don't want you here, you need to leave, _now_. Before I do something we'd both rather not have happen." Elena frowned and Bonnie quirked a brow as she pulled her wings back in, startling Damon as they vanished with a quick swish of magic. "Where has all that _anger_ gone Elena?" Bonnie wondered, "Where have all your demands gone? Did they die when I did? Because I _did_ die…_**Again**_." Bonnie's light eyes swirled into a deep forest green before turning a shimmering onyx as she took another step forward. "Except this time it was for me," her voice was still hard but there was more behind it now, naked pain, "_Finally_ for me." Bonnie's black eyes blinked through their tears, "And do you know who brought me back?" Her head turned to Caroline and Stefan, "Anyone?" They were all frozen solid, shocked to the core, "Death _itself_ brought me back and now I'm _this_," her hands waved over her person, "Immortal …Angel, _thing_ –"

"Angel?" Damon echoed and Bonnie nodded, even as her eyes stuck to Elena.

"She says I'm an Angel of Mercy, that she left a letter for me on my bed side table, that I'm never going to go through the pain of my human life ever again – that I'll finally be who I've always wanted to be…a protector…And," Bonnie wiped at her streaming tears, "I don't want you to have _any_ part in that." Elena's face twisted in trepidation.

"You're not bringing Jeremy back?" Elena asked, her voice a soft whisper.

"No." Bonnie said firmly, "And that's the way it has to be." Elena's face became pinched as tears pooled in her eyes. "You need to mourn him Elena," Bonnie went on, "Like I have to mourn him as well, and the family I've lost…we have to mourn and move on or we'll never learn, or we'll never grow and time will cease to have meaning to us…_we'll_ cease to have meaning to us."

"Who _are_ you?" Elena gasped and Bonnie smiled, a surprisingly warm and sincere expression offset by the current colour of her eyes.

"No friend to you I'm afraid." Was her response and she raised her left palm, sending off a pulse of magic that caused Elena to vanish into thin air. "She's at the boarding house." Bonnie explained to Stefan, who…having no idea of how else to react, simply nodded.

"…Bonnie?" Caroline's voice was thin and frail, the blonde awaiting a similar fate to Elena in Bonnie's life. The Angel turned to her and smiled.

"Hi Caroline."

"…_Hi_." The vampire girl's face was a mixture of hope and heartbreak, waiting for Bonnie to push her away as well.

"You should ask Stefan how he feels instead of bombarding him with your own emotions, you'd be surprised with what he has to say… I'll see you around." With that, Bonnie sent them away as well.

"Are you going to 'poof' me away as well?" Damon asked, looking down at her nervously, thinking that she might just do that, and despite how he did or didn't feel, he'd let her do just that – whatever she needed to be better. She craned her neck to look him in the eye. He watched as her eyes returned to their normal colour, helping him to relax a little bit.

"Remember how you said you couldn't follow me into heaven?" She asked, "That they'd never let you in?" He nodded. "You were wrong, but I suppose it doesn't matter, because, _somehow_, I managed to bring heaven to _you_." Was that …did she just smirk at him?

"That you did." He agreed and she rolled her eyes playfully.

"I'm an Angel Damon, isn't that _insane_?" She asked as she looped her arm through the crook of his elbow and steered him around the side of the house. She was still all angles and jutting bones and as pale as ever…but she was here, with him – wasn't that all that mattered?

"Makes perfect sense to me." He missed her heartbeat already. "So…you're _dead_ now, kind of like me?" She nodded. "You're never going to age –"

"My powers can't be taken, they won't fade away and they surpass any other this realm has ever seen." He hummed thoughtfully in response. "She left a letter for me, I want to read it."

"_She_?"

"Death, silly."

"Right…" He replied as they sat down on her front porch, bodies turned to one another's "So…What's next?"

"Who knows," she shrugged happily, "But I'm finally looking forward to tomorrow." He nodded and looked down, his gaze flicking back up to her when she sighed. "Will you come with me?" He froze. "I know you wanted me to stay, for you, and I _want_ to…" she drew in a breath, "I was just kind of hoping we didn't have to stay…_here_." She watched as emotions flitted over his face, quicker than lightning before he settled into a smile and a nod. "I know this is home and that it always will be, but, I have a _job_ now –"

"_Saving people_," Damon interjected goading her with his tone and she snickered, "Didn't see _that_ one coming."

"Hilarious Salvatore." She narrowed her eyes as he grinned. "Are you sure?"

"Am I sure that I want to see where all of this goes?" Damon asked her as if she was crazy to even think it was up for debate, "Of course I'm sure I want to travel the world with an angel…Granted if you'd asked me a couple of years ago I would have assumed it to be a _Victoria's Secret_ angel but," he waved her off, "You're so much better than that."

"_Thanks_." She deadpanned. His laughter died down and in a flash she was cradled to his side and she smiled into the embrace.

"Thank you," he said, "…Thank you for coming back, and for trying to stay, for me."

"I could say the same thing to you as well." Bonnie pointed out and warmth spread through Damon as he thought back to when Bonnie had sent him home from purgatory, it felt like it was lifetimes ago…

"Do you know what would be awesome?" Damon asked and she knew from his tone that she probably shouldn't encourage whatever he was about to suggest but she tapped against his knee, tap, tap; one, two and asked 'what' anyway. "A dragon."

"I should have known." She muttered, shaking her head with a small smile on her face.

"…_they surpass any other this realm has ever seen_" Damon quoted her about her newfound powers, using his fingers to illustrate it and she whacked his leg. He winced, actually feeling it – but he wouldn't tell her that just yet.

"I'm not manifesting you a _dragon_ Damon." Bonnie said as she turned to face him and he pouted, "But I will let you fly with me if you're nice."

"You're getting some practicing hours in first before I award you a flying licence, you _just_ got those." She laughed as she settled back onto his chest and they watched the sun dip under the horizon before either of them spoke again.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Damon asked, watching as she lifted a hand and drew aimless pictures with her fingertips in the air around them.

"Tomorrow you get to choose," She said, "I've kept you holed up in my house long enough." He looked at her and she raised her brows, answering his unasked question, that _yes_, she was serious.

"Sounds good to me," he said, "For _now_ though, I think we should have dinner and I'll take you to where we can see the stars properly. You've made it this far out of the house, I figure why not?" She smiled.

"Ready when you are."

* * *

><p><strong>Thoughts?<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Note: **This is it kids, say your goodbyes as you read the final (unedited) instalment of this fic. Huzzah and stuff. Every review to the last chapter stirred up fuzzies and I thank you all for that. And a warm hug to everyone who followed this story from the beginning to now. What treasures you all are XO

Shall we?

* * *

><p><em>How do you know when you've finally lost it? Do you look as different as you feel, so suddenly? Does anyone else notice? Do you leave? Are you taken? Did you even want to stay? Do you remember your life as it was or as you wished it would be? What does it feel like to no longer be yourself? Were you ever who you thought you were? How close did you get to who you wanted to be? So many questions, so many things that will haunt you when you're left with nothing but yourself. This shadow, this daily reminder of how there's nothing left. Because although your still there, writhing inside of yourself, there's nothing else around you, nothing registering in your mind, only pain in your heart – and you can scream as loudly as you like because there's no one to hear you…<em>

_But you don't – because there's no one to hear you._

_If there's no one else to remind you, to show you, to be with you even if they ignore you – do you exist at all? The sun burns, the trees sigh in the wind and the pain ebbs and flows, but nothing changes. Nothing comes, nothing goes. Inside all you know is a growing darkness, coaxing you in with the promise of its warm oblivion. But your brain tries to remind you, perpetuating the pain in the same breath – but it forges on anyway. It reminds you of colours, of smiles, things, memories, words, sounds…so sharp and clear in your mind, only dulled in its effects by its consequence. And the consequence never changes. You mourn. You mourn and cry. You sniffle, fall, begging to die. Because true nothingness is the only antidote you can think of in this hell. You want to stop existing, like you did to everyone else. You want it to finally end, this state of 'almost' you've been sucked into. All you know is the feeling of nothing, not even you, ever being enough. All you know is that it hurts and you want it to stop. All you know is that you're alone and that this is the end of the line for you – but as fate would have it, as a last punishment, the Universe wants you to push yourself off of the plank. It wants you to finally do something for yourself, or at least this is what you've convinced yourself. So you take a tentative step towards it and the pain flares and you almost fumble in your resolve. You remind yourself of another thing: this death, here, it's freeing. Heaven may still have you…Then you truly waver…_

_You don't want heaven and you've had your fill of hell._

_You want to obliterate it all like you wished you could the memory of it all. You don't want your soul to survive this – you want every shred of yourself to meet death. You don't want any more halves. Half of this, half of that. An almost love, an almost family, an almost friendship…A consistent miscalculation in the hands of the gods. You want to die in every sense of the word, and despite yourself, or perhaps because of yourself you've never wanted to die more in your 'life'. So you take another step. And it hurts more than it did a few seconds ago, but like every other time on the brink of death you push further because of how much you want to pull away. You know that this is it, and you can't think outside of this moment long enough to consider what you might have wanted as an alternative. You've always been out of time. You've never been enough. You don't want to be this either, this nothing is too all consuming –_

_You take another step. _

_Hello, Death –_

When Damon found Bonnie in Purgatory she was trying to kill herself. Luckily he was through hesitating with everything he did and he stopped her. He pulled the knife out of her stomach and poured liberal amounts of his blood into her mouth that was hanging open – and Damon just hoped that he'd come in time. Looking down at her, she was so small, so pale, so utterly frail and insignificant facing the odds stacked up against her. The slashes on her wrists cleared, the hole in her stomach closed and her head lolled around loosely from her neck and it unnerved him, how _floppy_ she was. There wasn't a hint of Bonnie inside the body Damon clung to and for the longest moment he thought that she'd died. That she'd finally gone and done it and then he also thought…what if by some miracle the timing had been just right and she was transitioning? But her heartbeat pitter pattered softly in her chest reminding him that she was only healing and that he should be grateful for that. So he decided that he was. He was glad that she'd live and that he'd finally made good on his word to be a friend to her, to save her, to show her that he'd push through the realms of heaven, hell and everywhere else to bring her home with him.

When Bonnie's eyes opened she just stared up at him while he stared down at her. Then, without saying a word she raised a bony arm and wiped an errant tear that hung precariously from his left eye. Her hand fell away then, like she found it too heavy to hold up for a moment longer. "Bonnie?" He whispered and she blinked at him…shaking her head in the negative after a few moments.

"She's dead." Bonnie said, her voice gruff and hoarse, unused and tired.

"No you're not." Damon said, trepidation building.

"Yes she is." Bonnie replied. "She's dead and we're both imaginary, none of this is real."

"Bonnie, I'm right here." She pressed her mouth into a tight line as tears pooled in her eyes. Why hadn't she died like she wanted? "I'm here and we're going home." She pushed away from him and scrambled away desperately, shaking her head at him; _no, no, no, no_. "Come with me?" She shook her head again, "Bonnie, please, come back with me."

"He's not real, he's not real, he's not real, he's not real." She began rocking herself as she sat bunched up an arm's length from him, hands clawing at her every available surface, "Wake up, wake up, wake up. He's not real. He didn't come back. You're alone. That's all, just breathe through it then wake up and then you can die. Just _wake up_."

"I can't let you die Bonnie, you need to come home with me." She stilled and looked up at him for a long time, and he could have sworn he was watching the colour bleed right out of her in front of him.

"I suppose it doesn't matter," Bonnie finally said, "Either way I'm dead. Here or there, up or down, I'm dead and there's nothing anyone will do to change that." Damon blinked and raised his palms as he inched over to her, moving on his knees over the kitchen floor in her grandmother's house, until he reached her. When he did, he pulled her closer to him and crushed something in his hand while she stared unseeingly somewhere past him, mouth shut, soul slipping away as they slipped through the folds of space and time, bringing Bonnie Bennett back home. When they landed back in the cemetery she blinked a few times, stepped away from him and hugged her body and sighed, turning to walk away and he almost let her but he needed to know –

"Why did you send me back?" He called after her and she paused, turning slowly to find him right in front of her when she did. She held his gaze and he felt nothing from it as he stood there, wishing he'd done more, fought harder, come up with solutions sooner, did anything but disappoint her and again, lend a hand in her downfall. She frowned a little and a spark of something came and went, a flicker of what she doubted she could ever dredge up again. "I didn't deserve it."

"You had something to come back to." Was all she said and then she _did_ walk away and even though every bone in his body begged to follow her, hold her, care for her, he pulled out his phone and called Caroline. Then, he turned and looked around himself a little, looking for _what_ he didn't know…he didn't feel right, he expected more when he eventually found Bonnie again and this hollowness she met and left him with sunk into his chest, drowning his dead organs, pulling him under.

But we all know Damon Salvatore, he'd smile at his own funeral.

* * *

><p><strong>Have I Gone Mad?<strong>

"**Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."**

_You have a choice to make._

_Every outcome is death, but choose wisely nonetheless._

_Jeremy is going to die. Will you save him?_

_Damon wants you to be a vampire. Will you transition if he forces your hand?_

_Or – _

_Shall we revisit Purgatory and simply obliterate you entirely?_

_You'll cease to exist, swallowed by peace and an all-inclusive nothingness._

_You'll leave them all behind – you'll leave _him_ behind, is that what you want?_

Bonnie woke up to Damon looking down at her, exactly as she had been since he saved her, since he moved in with her, since he grew to love her. Except today he looked especially alarmed, especially scared, especially helpless and the guilt slammed into her. What had she uttered in her sleep, why was he –

"Damon what is it –" but the answer to her own question was what cut her off – it all flooded back. "Oh my god…_Jeremy_…Where is he?" She knew she was too late, but there was always that part of yourself that hoped, no matter how obvious the truth made itself to you.

* * *

><p><em>Later<em>

When Bonnie died later that day, like she almost had if she hadn't opened her eyes to the sound of Damon's voice she knew something they all didn't. That she was going to live – she got to see who they were without her, who they were with the knowledge of only her memory; it made for quite the show. She knew it would hurt Damon, her dying again. She knew, even though she hadn't openly admitted it to herself, how much he'd come to depend on her in her dependence on him. She just didn't think she'd be able to have a perfect view of it all.

"He _**loves**_ you," Death said affectionately, her onyx eyes shining as she watched Damon's blue ones slip between red/black and blue and back again, "It's breath-taking." Bonnie frowned, she felt so disconnected to it all, curiosity turned her head to Death.

"You said something about a letter?" Bonnie pressed as Death's eyes shone with affection between the scene before her, only flattening out unhappily when they passed over Elena. Death hummed in response.

"You're already dead," she said, her long black hair falling in waves that she curled a forefinger through as she spoke, "But I have another option for you to consider." Her black eyes met Bonnie's then, "But you need to hurry, especially if you want to be a vampire."

"…What is it?"

"Become like me." The girl said, her fair skin flushed with sudden animation. "Live forever – as exactly who you were always meant to be." Bonnie considered her words as she looked back down to where Damon was rocking her body, embers of gold floating off of her corpse as he clung to her, his chest heaving as he yelled and snarled and tried to mourn her when he was yet to let her go. Death giggled and before Bonnie could turn to say something she opened her eyes to Damon's face. She woke up with an influx of knowledge slamming against the sides of her skull, blue eyes begging for it all to be real and a heartbeat that was no more. And just like when he'd come back to rescue her from Purgatory, she wiped away at his tears. He looked so beautiful in that moment to her, so perfect and so sad. He looked at her the way we all want to be looked at – like we **matter**, like the world might come undone if we weren't in it…He looked at her like she had saved his life in that moment. Perhaps she had. He'd most certainly saved hers.

* * *

><p><em>A few days after<em>

Elena made it very clear that Bonnie was not invited to Jeremy's funeral. Neither was Damon. Every time Caroline or Stefan brought it up Elena threatened to turn her switch off and Bonnie shrugged and smiled, saying that nothing would stop her from mourning Jeremy in any case. Caroline was at a loss for words, trying to make sense of Bonnie's words, Stefan's, Elena's…the way Damon reacted to Bonnie's death. _That_ was love. _Is_ love. That was what had been missing between him and Elena, Caroline felt; Damon had shaped his love for Elena by force, whereas his love of Bonnie shaped him by choice, by truths that he didn't even expect to uncover. And what made the perfection even more perfect? It was a connection of souls, tangible between their gazes and affections, it transcended the wants and needs of their bodies. Caroline doubted they had even formed the idea of romance between them, what they had was more profound, **sturdier** – they had what she wished she could fathom between herself and Stefan. Something she'd been torturing herself with; in an amongst the mess of their lives.

To top it all off, she missed Bonnie. More so when Stefan pulled her aside one day as she was helping to finalise arrangements for the funeral – telling her that Bonnie and Damon were going to leave Mystic Falls. That Bonnie had already said goodbye to Matt, one of the few people left she even cared about. Caroline's heart broke even as she begged it not to, in her eyes she'd lost the right to ask anything of Bonnie. She hadn't done much outside of her mourning – Damon had half killed himself, a few times, to get Bonnie back home. And Bonnie had finally had enough, and who were they to blame her? Stefan gave her his trademark 'I know your pain' eyes and that broke her and she cried. She cried as he held her, as Elena called to them for something or other, as the sun dipped under signalling the end of the day before Jeremy's burial. Stefan held her and although her mind told her she was falling apart, her heart felt some glimmer of hope, as if she were being put back together.

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue:<strong>

_Oh, but now we have forever, isn't that something?_

Bonnie and Damon stood beside each other, looking down with reserved eyes at the grave stone of one Jeremy Gilbert.

"I can't believe the kid's dead." Damon mused, and Bonnie hummed softly in the back of her throat, too pensive to pick at his tone. "Actually, everything that's left is pretty unbelievable."

"Nothing made sense here if we really think about it," Bonnie replied, her voice distant and thoughtful, "For the longest time this place was a precarious mess, violent and cruel and we all tried to accustom ourselves to that, to 'survive' or whatever that word meant to us…We all lost parts of ourselves throughout it all though, some more than others. Some lost their entirety."

"Is this the part where you put a hex on me because it's all my fault?" He wondered and she rolled her eyes.

"To blame you and you alone for everything that's happened wouldn't make sense; we all made our own choices, we all killed someone, we all saved someone, we thought we were doing what's right – defending what was ours, even when we didn't want it." Bonnie replied, stepping closer to him and leaning into his side as he took her hand in his, "It's us, _all of us_, who messed up. Even Stefan, bless him." Damon snickered. "But this madness also had to end, how much longer could we have lived like this until we all died? Or until the town was bled dry of all its people?"

"That's the scariest part though," Damon interjected, "I think it could have gone on forever if it wasn't for you."

"Me?" Bonnie scoffed. "I'm pretty sure it was your change of heart that saved us all." Damon frowned and pulled a face.

"I didn't have a change of heart, _angel_," he grinned as he dipped his head to whisper the last word in her ear, "I just remembered myself, and either way your argument is null and void, because you were the one that brought me back to myself. So it's you. Once again, Bonnie Bennett saves the day."

"Alright Salvatore, that's enough out of you, we have a few more things to do before we can leave."

"Ah _yes_," Damon said, steering her from the grave back to his Camaro, "Our travelling _extravaganza_." He splayed his palms out for emphasis, while Bonnie shook her head with a smile on her face.

"You still haven't decided where we're starting." The Angel pointed out and he shrugged.

"That's because _you're_ deciding," he said, "I've been pretty much everywhere and this is about you and getting out of this tumbleweed town, it's all up to you."

"No pressure." She teased, bugging her eyes a little. When they got to the boarding house, Caroline and Stefan were outside waiting. "_Care_!" Bonnie called out, flashing out of the car and into the blonde's arms, who gasped and giggled at the strangeness of the girl in her arms. "I'm going to miss you," Bonnie muttered into her shoulder, "So much, so, so much."

"I'll miss you every day," Caroline, "And I'll love you forever."

"_Forever_." Bonnie promised as they broke away. The girls turned in time to see the brothers pull away as well. Stefan was still smiling an odd, watery smile when he turned to Bonnie.

"Oh Bonnie," he said as he pulled her to him, "I don't even know what to say."

"Say you'll look after her, that you'll protect her…even if it's from Elena." She felt Stefan's chin move on top of her head as he nodded.

"Especially if it's from Elena." The younger Salvatore vowed. "Thank you, Bonnie. For everything. I can't even put into words how invaluable you are to me, to us, come visit?"

"As soon as we can." Damon said with a warm smile as Bonnie stepped under his arm as it rested comfortably on her shoulder.

"So this is it?" Caroline asked and the vampire and angel nodded.

"_Is_ it?" Another voice interrupted and all four of their eyes closed in momentary annoyance, "Were either of you going to say goodbye to me?" Damon and Bonnie turned to face Elena.

"Like you let us say goodbye to Jer –"

"What good would have come from it?" Bonnie asked, cutting Damon off, "_Every time_ we do the right thing it's not good enough because it wasn't your idea or it wasn't in your favour…Elena, I know that look in your eyes, and I know what you're thinking and you're wrong…"

"So you're _not_ in love with Damon?" The brunette vampire bit out.

"How would that have _anything_ to do with you?" Damon snapped. Elena's head snapped back, affronted.

"It has _everything_ to do with me." Stefan pulled a face and made a thin sound in the back of his throat in disagreement while Caroline barked a short, humourless laugh.

"It's because he needs me isn't it?" Bonnie asked, narrowing her eyes, "It's because he needs me and you're scrambling for reasons why he no longer needs _you_."

"And is that so awful?" Elena cried out, arms flailing about.

"No, not really, but _you_ are." Bonnie said evenly and the density of the atmosphere quadrupled.

"You two deserve each other." Elena spat.

"…_Probably_." Damon said with pursed lips and a quick nod.

"They'll never love you like they loved me, and you _both_ know that." Elena went on, her eyes flitting between Caroline and Bonnie. Bonnie smiled softly.

"You're right, and that's perfectly alright with me." Bonnie said, winking at Caroline. "I'd hate to lose myself because I'm loved…" Bonnie frowned a little, "Who would they be loving then? _No one_." Elena snarled and took a step forward which Damon mirrored, stepping in front of Bonnie.

"Another step and I break something of yours Gilbert." Damon snapped. Stefan shook his head and tried to intervene only to be pulled away by Caroline. "I still owe you one for when you pushed her the other day."

"You'd hurt me?" Elena stammered, wide brown eyes blinking owlishly at Damon while tears lined them. He tilted his head a little and pouted at her, laughter bubbling in his chest.

"Hurts doesn't it?" Damon said, "Looking into the eyes of someone who used to care about you but no longer _does_."

"Damon –"

"Time's up Elena, Bonnie and I have to leave." Bonnie smiled a little when he stood upright and stood next to her. "We'll call when we land, wherever and whenever that is." Bonnie nodded, locking eyes with Caroline.

"And I'll call as much as I can before I, before _we_," Bonnie corrected herself, "Start 'working' or whatever you want to call it." Caroline nodded. Elena sped off while the four of them hugged again. When Damon and Bonnie got into the car again and he cranked up the engine he turned to look at her while the car thrummed and growled underneath them.

"I don't know what it means, but, everything I need is here with me right now, in this car." Bonnie smiled, and it was like watching the sun break through the clouds after months of endless rain.

"I don't even need the car," Bonnie replied, "Just you." Damon beamed in response and pulled out of the driveway.

"You _know_," he said keeping his eyes on the road even as he broke into another face-stretching grin, "If you got me a dragon I wouldn't need the car either."

"Oh shut up." Bonnie laughed.

* * *

><p><strong>The End<strong>

**Notes:** A sequel? Bonnie and Damon falling in love while fighting demons and dealing with the aftermath of Mystic Falls? You'll be the first to know ;)


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